An Ending
by Sefirosukuraodo
Summary: After an inevitable sexual encounter with the infamous Rob, Olli and Christian put their relationship into perspective and figure out how to forgive or move on. Will be told in 5 parts.
1. Part I: Shattered

DISCLAIMER: I don't own any part of Verbotene Liebe, including plotlines, locations, and/or characters.

AN: A short tale in five parts of Christian and Olli, and how they will move past the inevitable sexual encounter with Rob (we can all see it looming on the horizon). But it's not quite what you'll expect...

Part I. Shattered

Christian could see this coming a long time ago, but he never really expected it to become reality. He _knew_ it was going to happen, even braced himself for it for months, but now, seeing Oliver, his boyfriend, his _love_ standing in their doorway with a suitcase in hand, seemed like a bad dream that he couldn't shake.

Oliver was leaving him. He couldn't bear the sight of it, let alone the thought, but there he was with that sad and disappointed frown on his lips. Christian was angry, of course, but he longer to comfort him where he stood. Christian wanted to beg Olli to stay, to put what happened behind them – that forgiveness was in their grasp because they were the perfect match. But Christian Mann was a proud individual, and pride could be more restricting than liberating in matters of the heart.

What happened was Robert Marenbach. He was cancer – a smooth-talking, evil little lump that needed to be vaporized with radiation until his existence was null and void. But he was a persuasive and persistent cancer, and that made him successful.

Christen recalled the conversation between them only a few weeks ago.

Christian was sitting at the dining room table with his hands together, trying to think of ways to get Elias a bit more active. The steed was getting older, and his days were limited.

"Good morning!" Oliver said brightly as he waltzed through the front door, awake and lively. He was carrying bags from the new Tesco that had opened up down the road. He smiled brightly, not only with his full, beautiful lips, but mostly with his eyes.

Oliver's eyes were the incarnation of his soul. When one wanted to know just what Oliver Sabel was feeling, they needn't look far; just look into his eyes. Oliver's eyes were soft, as though painted by Leonardo da Vinci. They were hazel some days, and grey others, but always genuine. Christian loved his eyes as much as he loved the man because they made their connection something tangible and expressive.

"I've got crescents, and more coffee, as well as your favorite yogurt since I noticed you were out." Olli said in a flurry of words. Christian was having trouble catching everything, partly because it was 6 a.m., and partly because he had bigger troubles on his mind, like opening up this unpleasantly necessary dialogue that he was rehearsing in the back of his mind. "Hello?"

"Hmm?" Christian asked in a daze.

"I said Constantin and Judith sent a postcard and asked if you want to read it." Olli said with an amused smirk as he observed 'early-morning Christian'.

"I'll, uh, I'll get around to it later." Christian said dismissively.

"They just want to know if they can stay here when they come to visit on June. I think it's a cool idea, especially since they can see the new NoLimits – I want them to see firsthand why it's the coolest party spot in Dusseldorf!" Olli said with bright stars in his eyes. Christian couldn't help but smile and admire his liver as the sunrise over the horizon warmed his skin as Olli warmed his heart. The sunlight danced through the window and onto Olli's fair ivory flesh, giving him a sort of ethereal glow as he took note of Christian observing him.

"What?" Olli asked with a coy smile as he poured himself a mug of coffee.

"I'm just seeing you for the first time in a long time, that's all." Christian said with a small smile. "It's been so long since I've seen you this happy."

"That's because you're happy, and when you're happy we don't fight." Olli said. He crossed the room, and Christian yawned, but caught a hitch when Olli suddenly appeared behind him. He put down his mug and went to work on Christian's shoulders with his nimble hands of silky iron. Olli's hands were a godsend when Christian was over worked.

"I'm really glad that you've been so accepting of my friendship with Rob. In the past few weeks you've been so nice to him that it's hard to believe you had a problem with him at all." Olli said. Christian had to put more effort into listening once again once Olli's hands began to lull him into a trance.

"About Rob…" Christian began. He didn't want to open this up, not when Olli was being such an endearing saint, but he had to get this out of the way if any reparations could begin in their relationship.

"I have a surprise for you because you've been so amazing!" Olli said excitedly. He rushed to the counter and reached into a black bag. He produced a small black box and sat it on the table before Christian.

Christian swallowed; was he doing this now? Right as Christian was trying to open up an distasteful box of worms involving Rob?

"Christian Mann, I know that most of the time you think that what I have to say is childish, silly, ungrounded, _completely_ head-in-the-clouds, and that most of the time you think I'm daydreaming more than listening – and you're right, most of the time I am." He grinned, and Christian smiled as he felt Olli inside of his chest, warming him up. He grabbed Olli's hand and squeezed as their eyes locked for a moment.

"Olli, that's what I love about you the most." Christian smiled. "You can turn a pipedream into reality, it's a gift. I've seen you use it to help our friends, and I love you for it."

"And I love you, too, Christian. I love you more than any words, or any ring, can express. But…" Olli pushed the box forward a bit, and Christian stared at it, excited and nauseous at the same time. His fingers carefully opened the box, and there sat a beautiful, simple gold ring. "I was hoping that maybe a ring could help me get my point across."

"Olli," Christian struggled through his tight throat. He was flattered, and it was everything that he'd wanted for a long time – any other time he'd be calling Gregor and Luise while jumping around the loft with joy, but not this morning.

"Christian Mann, you are the only man I love – the only human being I love with every inch of me, and I know we've had our differences and rough patches for a long while now, but we're still here, right now, and stronger than ever." Olli smiled tenderly, and a sick feeling was rising inside of Christian because he loved Olli so much. So why wasn't he happy? "Christian, I want to spend the rest of my life doing whatever it takes to make you happy. If you'll have me, I want to spend every minute proving to you how much I love you."

"Olli," Christian struggled again, but his throat was even tighter.

"Well say something." Olli grinned excitedly. When Christian didn't respond, Olli's light faded from his face and the worry set in. "Oh god."

"It's not what you think." Christian said after clearing his throat.

"Are you rejecting me? Because if so then it is what I think." Olli was in a panic.

"No! No, of course not. What you offered, everything you just said, it's all I've wanted to hear for a long time now. I'm even envious that you were the first one to say it." Christian said.

"Well then what's the problem? Shouldn't we be celebrating?" Olli asked.

"We need to talk." Christian said. He took a deep breath and then continued with a touchy subject that he knew would rupture the repairs they'd already made to their rocky relationship. "It's about Rob."

Once the annoyance set in on Olli's face, Christian felt his organs twist themselves in ways the he couldn't imagine, all of them uncomfortable.

"Christian, Christian, how many times are we going to go through this?" Olli groaned. He placed his head in his frustrated hands and sighed. "There is nothing going on between me and Rob, and nothing has happened beyond that _one_ kiss!"

"I know, I know." Christian said sheepishly. "I trust you."

"If you trusted me then we wouldn't be having this discussion for the tenth time!" Olli said. "It's never going to end, is it?"

"What do you mean?" Christian asked, bewildered.

"I mean I just proposed to you, told you that I want to wake up to you for the rest of our lives, and all you can think about is me cheating on you with Rob!" Olli shouted.

"That's not true!" Christian said as his hot temper flared. But he reined in his emotions betcause he was determined not to have this end in a blow-out in which nothing gets discussed or settled. "This is different."

"I've heard that before." Olli said with disappointment.

"Because I've _said_ that before, but this time is really is different." Christian said. He could see the pain and distress in Olli's beautiful sanguine eyes, and he immediately felt ten times worse.

Christian reminded himself that in order to settle this once and for all, in order to keep his miracle, his angel, he needed to get this out of the way.

"Christian, if this is going to be a recurring theme in our home then –"

"I slept with Rob."

Silence was the only company with them in their home for a while. Christian tried to gauge Olli's reaction, but he could only see blank shack. Olli stared back at Christian like a stranger; stunned, and confused. He was wondering if he had just heard Christian correctly, and Christian would be the first to confirm it for him if he wasn't so deathly terrified of what Olli was going to do next.

"What did you just say?" Olli asked him quietly.

"I said that I had sex with Rob." Christian repeated shamefully.

"I _heard_ what you said, I just can't _believe_ what you said." Olli said sharply. He leaned back in the chair across the table with his hands in his lap and incredulity written across his face.

"Olli, it was a mistake, and it meant nothing, and you're so beautiful, and wonderful, and more than I deserve," Christian began sputtering to keep the silence at bay, but the more he rambled, the worse he felt. He felt like dirt – _lower_ than dirt, he was an entirely new level of low. There was manure, then there was dirt, and then there was Christian.

"All this time, you pressured me, and it was you." Olli said with his tongue in his cheek. He stared back coldly now, his eyes were sharp.

"Olli, it was the worst mistake I've ever made, and I wish I could take it back!" Christian said. Olli stood up, picked up his coffee cup, and stared down at Christian for a moment before turning and heading for their room. Christian didn't dare follow, he would just let Olli have his space for now and then pray that he cooled down later, after he was done babysitting Miriam downstairs.

Five hours later and Olli still hadn't come out of the room. Christian went down to NoLimits for a while, hoping that his absence would coax his spurned love into coming out for some fresh air, but when he returned, Olli was still in the room.

Christian's hand hovered over the door knob, contemplating on whether to just go in and talk to him or not, but he coward out and went back to pacing the living room area.

"Olli, just give me a sign that you're alive." Christian begged outside the door. The bang of a shoe thrown across the room was answer enough, he could work with that for now.

Twelve hours later, Olli finally emerged from their room. Christian hadn't noticed at first as he was slowly dozing as he watched the news on the television set. But once he felt Olli's presence he turned off the TV and stood to face him.

For a long time, neither said anything. Olli just stared back with his dark, swollen red eyes; he'd been crying. Christian held out his arms apologetically. "Olli, it's still me here. I'm still Christian, _your_ Christian." He offered.

That had earned nothing but a silent retreat back into the room with a cold hard glance over Olli's shoulder. Christian plopped back down on the couch, racking his brain over Olli's pain and how he had managed to inflict a sting so horrendous on the one person who would be there for Christian as much as Gregor. The one person who loved Christian for the man he was, not who they could turn him into.

Now there was the chance that he had just lost Olli for good. There was the possibility that he couldn't make up for this misdeed, and although he needed to accept that outcome, he didn't want to face it.

Christian decided to sleep in the couch that night. He didn't bother going to get pillows or a blanket. The living room was cold, but he accepted that as part of his penance.

Christian didn't sleep so well on the couch, but he awoke to the mouthwatering scent of waffles. He cracked open an eye to see Olli standing at the counter with their waffle press.

"Good morning," Christian offered as he sat on and stretched his aching back.

"Morning." Olli said shortly.

"You came out of the room." Christian kicked himself for pointing out the obvious like a daft idiot.

"I had to eat something." Olli said distantly. Christian smiled, but Olli ignored it.

"I'm sorry –"

"Don't, please." Olli snapped. "Not right now."

Christian sat at the counter on one of the bar stools and watched Olli for a while. Surprisingly, Olli even fixed him a plate and garnished it with every bit of care and attention as he did his own, with whipped cream, strawberries, and just a dash of cinnamon; that had to mean something, right?

"How was the couch?" Olli asked lightly.

"Cold, hard, and odd." Christian said. "How did you ever sleep on that thing?"

"Lots of practice and flexibility." Olli said with a small laugh. But that didn't laugh long, and he was back to the frumpy, sad Olli that Christian always hated to see. It was bad enough to see Olli in pain, but to be the cause of that pain was something unbearable.

"Olli," Christian said, but he got no response. Christian grabbed his wrist and caught his hurt gaze. "Oliver, love, just tell me what to say."

"Tell me how it happened." Olli said flatly.

"What?"

"Tell me how it happened." Olli repeated. "When? Where?"

"Uh, well… These past few weeks when Rob's been by looking for you, we'd been talking. I was trying to be nicer to him, for your sake, and the times he waited for you we had a few beers and talked. He's actually not so bad, once you get past the attitude." Christian added, but swallowed his tongue when he realized that Olli wasn't at all amused. "When he came by to help me plan your surprise birthday party for next week, we had a few drinks, and… one thing led to another."

"You had sex while planning my birthday party?" Olli asked. "In _our_ apartment?"

"Yes." Christian said sordidly.

"Did you do it in _our_ bed?" Olli asked.

"No, it was… He was…" Christian struggled. He didn't want to recount the details of the encounter to Olli of all people. But he knew that if he had any chance of redeeming himself, he would have to. Olli stared back patiently as Christian ate his waffles, deliberating how to best phrase that afternoon.

"We were a little drunk, even though it was fairly early in the afternoon. You remember, because you called him a cab. He kissed me." Christian said. "And then I kissed him back."

"Did you go down on him?" Olli asked evenly.

"Yes." Christian admitted. There was a flicker in Olli's face, raw pain as something sacred to him had been soiled; Christian.

"Did you enjoy it?" he pressed on.

"No." Christian quickly said. "I mean, at the time, _yes_, but I wouldn't – couldn't – ever do that to anyone else, it was a fluke."

"Apparently you can." Olli stabbed darkly. "And then what happened?"

"We made out, I went down on him, and then I bent him over the counter and fucked him." Christian said.

"Did you use protection?" Olli asked. Christian opened his mouth, but then quickly sealed his lips. Olli shook his head and sighed.

"Christian," he groaned, ready to lecture him.

"Yes, I sucked him! Yes, I swallowed! Yes, I fucked him, bare, and yes, I came inside of him! Olli, it was a mistake in the heat of the moment!" Christian reasoned. He was begging at the end of his wits, but more than that he was frightened that Olli may never forgive him. He didn't know what he would do if Olli couldn't.

"So what do we do?" Olli asked as he leaned against the counter and folded his arms.

"You tell me. Where does this leave us?" Christian asked. "Are we…? I mean, can you… Can you forget about it?"

"Can I forget about it?" Olli asked dubiously. "No, of course not. Everytime I see him around I'm going to think of you doing with him what you used to do with me. Whenever I'm with you I'm going to be comparing me to Rob; are you thinking of him? Do you prefer him?"

After a moment of silence, Olli grabbed the back of Christian's head and placed his forehead against his. "But I'm not going to just call it quits because of one mistake."

"What?" Christian asked, shocked. He pulled away and looked into Olli's kind eyes as he stroked Christian's face with his soft, warm palm.

"You made a bad decision, we've all made them in our lives. And it's easy to get swept up in a moment." Olli said. "That doesn't excuse you, but… I'm not leaving you. I love you too much, so much it hurts."

"Like now." Christian added sorrowfully. Olli smiled and gazed into Christian's eyes longingly.

"Yes." He said. "But if there was no pain in a good relationship then one wouldn't appreciate the good to its fullest."

"You're too good to me." Christian said. "I don't deserve you, not anymore. You shouldn't take me back so easily."

"If I was a stronger man, maybe I wouldn't, but I'm grateful for that because life without you isn't something I want to imagine, not at all." Olli said. He gave Christian a light, but long kiss. As their lips touched it felt like an eternity since they'd last kissed. Olli's lips were marble petals on an angel, and when their lips touched, even briefly, it excited every nerve ending in Christian's body.

"I just need some time to adjust, and think things over. Get a new perspective while we sort things out." Olli said.

"Take all the time you need." Christian said quickly. Anything to keep his love happy, to earn his trust back. "I love you, Oliver Sabel, I do."

"I know you do." Olli said. "Besides, I missed you terribly last night. I couldn't sleep without you there."

"You hardly sleep with me there." Christian smirked. It felt nice to slip into some semblance of what they had.

"Oh, one more thing; absolutely no sex until we get tested." Olli said. Christian's shame was back in an instant as he thought of the possible guilt he would feel at popping up with a sexually transmitted disease, or worse; giving it to Olli.

* * *

Thanks for reading, and of course review :)


	2. Part II: Un Sospiro

Part II. Un Sospiro

Rebecca Von Lahnstein had been a huge help over the past two weeks at Castle Königsbrunn. Christian was having a bit of trouble shouldering the guilt on his own, but Rebecca made it a point to spend more time with him down in the stables while he was working.

Now they strode through the fields near the west end on horseback to give them much needed exercise. Elias was a bit more lively than usual today, and Christian was all the better for it.

"And how is Olli handling it?" Rebecca asked.

"He's being his usual self, like nothing happened. He still does so much for me." Christian sighed. He wished that Olli would just be angry, or treat him like dirt for a while like he deserved. Olli's kindness and love was a worse punishment than being degraded for his penitence. "The worst part is knowing that I broke his trust. He's really trying to be understanding, and I love him for it, but he shouldn't have to."

"Olli really is a great guy. It's only been two weeks since you told him and he's still being good to you." Rebecca said softly. She looked over with a smile and caught Christian's eyes. "It means he really loves you." She winked as she observed the trees bordering the fields. "But why Rob? I mean, he's sort of creepy and shady, not to mention you used to think he was a horrible person."

"I still do. Anyway, Rob doesn't matter. We haven't seen or heard from him since." Christian said stiffly. "It was just something that I'll have to come to terms with and make up for. I realize that there's no way to completely atone, but I hope that we can still be really happy. I hope that I can still make him happy."

"You will." Rebecca said. "And if he can't appreciate your efforts then maybe someone else will." She said. She stared at his pain-stricken features as their horses trotted side by side. She was about to say something, but Christian's phone rang in his pocket before she could utter a word. She sighed with resign, clearing her head and realizing that what she was about to utter would have been no better than kissing him the last time he came to her in pain.

She put her thoughts aside as Christian hung up the phone with a lighter expression on his face, thoughtful.

"Who was that?" Rebecca asked.

"It was the clinic, my blood work came back." Christian said. He'd already told her that he had tested clean for everything else, but the blood work would take about two weeks.

"And what did they say?" Rebecca asked, a knot growing in her stomach at the air of gloom around him. Not that it was anything she hadn't grown accustomed to over the last two weeks, but she would think that good news would have cheered him up a little. "They weren't… positive, were they?" She asked carefully.

"No, everything clears. I'm healthy, and so is Olli. They said that I can drop by before they close to pick up the papers." Christian said.

"That's good news, isn't it? You should look happier!" Rebecca said with relief.

"You're right, I should." Christian said. He offered a halfhearted smile, but it felt awkward. After Christian and Rebecca led the horses back to the stables, she offered a friendly parting kiss on the cheek and then headed back to the castle. The journey home was shorter than usual. The weights saddled on his conscience usually slowed him down, but today it was a little lighter; maybe Rebecca was right and the news had made things a little easier on him.

Though Christian's mood had been muddled all day, once he walked through the busy NoLimits entrance and climbed upstairs to walk through the door and see Oliver at the oven with a smile, things were immediately brighter. Olli's smile could light a solar system on its own.

"Welcome home, Mr. Mann." He said cheerfully as he pulled out a pie from the oven. Christian smiled back, and it was irresistibly genuine. He couldn't fight the smile if he tried. Olli stood at the counter and looked Christian over for a while, just smiling and locking eyes.

And that's when Christian knew that everything would be okay between them.

"I got our blood tests back." Christian said, holding up the rolled-up pages in his hand.

"I heard." Olli said as he took his oven mitts off and sat them on the counter. He walked up to Christian with that alluring swing in his step and that gorgeous light in his eyes. When Olli was happy, Christian was happy. That was just the sort of symbiotic connection Christian had with his partner. "That's why I made a celebratory dinner for my hard working Mann."

He closed the distance with a tender kiss, and Christian wasted no time in wrapping his arms around Olli's waist and shoulder. The feeling of Olli's body against his was one of the few comparisons this earth had of heaven, and it tasted sweeter than pure cane sugar. The taste of Oliver Sabel was exquisite; not to be taken for granted, and Christian vowed to never again.

"I've missed you all day." Christian whispered against Olli's lips. Olli smiled, and led him to the kitchen to help his set up the table. His hand in Olli's hand as they laughed and talked over their dinner was like art, something that was so beautiful it would bring a tear to even the most nonbeliever of love. Because Christian was meant for Olli, _made_ for him. And if he had to, he would mold himself into whatever kind of man Olli wanted.

After dinner they settled on the couch to watch a couple of movies Olli had rented. In his usual character fashion, Olli was the one to take the initiative and wrap Christian's arm around his shoulder as he snuggled up against his body.

After the first movie was over, Christian let the credits roll as he looked down into Olli's exhausted face. His love had passed out, tired from his busy day. He was beautiful even in sleep. Christian leaned down and placed a chaste kiss on his forehead. His hair brushed against Olli's closed eyes, and the man stirred underneath him.

"Sorry, I didn't want to wake you." Christian said. Olli drew in a deep breath and looked at the TV as the last credits vanished, and a blue screen took its place.

"I'm sorry I fell asleep." Olli said, sitting up quickly. "Did you want to watch the other film? I'm pretty sure I can stay up and finish it." Olli smiled sheepishly.

"I wouldn't want to keep you up later than you want to be." Christian smiled. He pulled Olli back to him and studied his face in the blue light while the rest was cast in shadow. His long lashes cast long stripes across his eyes as they caught the blue of the TV and glowed. Christian kissed him softly, and then Olli deepened the kiss. "We should get you into bed." Christian smirked as he felt Olli pressed against him.

Olli led Christian to the bedroom by the hand and Christian laid Olli back onto their soft sheets. Christian's shirt was the first to be pulled over his head, and he slowly unbuttoned Olli's as he tenderly kissed the supple skin in the crook of his lover's neck and collarbone. A moan escaped Olli's throat, and Christian smirked.

He missed the feel of Olli's hot flesh against his. His chest pressed to his own. He missed how well they fit together when Olli's back was to his torso. Pulling him closer.

Olli ran his fingers through Christian's hair, and pulled their faces together. Christian was eagerly unbuckling Olli's belt when he felt a firm hand grab his. Christian opened his eyes in confusion, but Olli's were still closed.

"Olli? What is it?" he asked. Olli lied back and stared up at the ceiling.

"I'm sorry." He sighed.

"Sorry about what?" Christian asked with an incredulous laugh.

"I thought I could do it. I thought that we could just go back to how it used to be, and I've been trying hard, but this isn't the same. Nothing is." Olli said. "It's like I'm not in bed with Christian anymore."

"I told you before, it's still me; I'm still Christian, nothing's changed." He said.

"That's what I kept saying too, but that doesn't make it true." Olli said with a sad look into Christian's eyes. "Just because you're still Christian doesn't mean that Christian is the same man I fell in love with. It just doesn't feel right anymore."

Olli rolled out of bed and slipped his shirt around his shoulders. "I was just kidding myself."

"Olli? We can just lay here and talk, we don't have to do anything you don't want to." Christian said. Olli proceeded to pick up his clothes around the floor. He sat them in a pile and went to the dresser drawers. "Olli, what are you doing?"

"I can't do it." Olli repeated. "What we have… _had_, it's gone. It's broken."

"Olli, that's a little harsh, isn't it?" Christian asked hastily. "Just sit down and talk to me. I can fix whatever's broken, I know that we can get through this." Olli looked over his shoulder with a small smile and listened to Christian. He sat on the edge of the bed, but the talk they had wasn't exactly what Christian wanted to hear.

"Christian, this has been long overdue. We were just too stubborn to accept that it should have ended a long time ago before things blew up in our faces." Olli said sorrowfully. "We've given it three years, and a lot of hospital visits, but if we're not happy by now, we'll never be. You know it's true." Olli said. "Me leaving now with a clean break will be easier on both of us."

"Don't go." Christian begged. "It was one mistake."

"And soon, it'll be another mistake. And another, and another. It could be your fault, or it could even be my mistake, but one day we're going to be right back where we are now because I don't make you happy anymore. I'm just not what you want and need, and I need to stop trying to be." He said. Christian saw the tears welling up in his eyes, and immediately felt like a dagger had been plunged into his chest.

"Is that what this is about? You think that you don't make me happy anymore?" Christian demanded.

"It's what I know, schatz." Olli said with a tearful smiled. He pulled Christian's face forward and rested his forehead against his own, and sat there like that for a moment, listening to him breath. Christian tried to fight the tears in his own eyes, but they fell anyway. "You are going to find someone who can be what you want in a lover, what you need."

"And what will you find?" Christian asked.

"Someone who can love me as is, same as you." Olli said. "It might be soon, or it might take twenty years, but that's a risk I'm willing to take. Like you always said, 'No risk, no fun', right?"

Olli offered one last kiss before he stood up and took the suitcase, piling in clothes. Christian sat still while he packed up his things out of the room they'd shared for so long now.

"No, wait." Christian said after he's finally gained the ability to move, to speak. The shock of the situation still had him shackled, but he fought against it for Olli's sake. "Stop packing your things. I'll leave."

"What? That's crazy, where will you go?" Olli asked.

"I have places to go, don't you worry about that. Just unpack your clothes and let me be the one who walks out. I ruined us, I'll accept the consequences. Besides, your business is downstairs, it makes more sense for you to stay." Christian said with his hand outreached for the suitcase. Olli nodded and took his stacks out and sat them on the bed.

Christian took only what he needed, and told Olli that he would send for the rest of his things since he wouldn't be able to move everything tonight.

There were no parting words when Christian. How could they possibly find the perfect words to end three years?

Standing on the street corner, sitting on his suitcase, Christian called the only person he could. He picked his phone from his pocket and dialed a number he hadn't called in a while.

"Gregor, it's Christian."

The taxi arrived not long afterward, and he was on his way to Castle Waldenstyck. It wasn't where he wanted to be, and he didn't like to impose on Luise and Gregor like this when they were getting started on their life together. But where else could he have gone?

The commute to and from Königsbrunn and Waldenstyck everyday was lengthy but it wasn't terribly long. But living with Gregor and Luise was a bit of a burden. Not because they were difficult, or even judgmental in the slightest; Luise and Gregor welcomed him with open arms and completely understood his situation. But seeing their happiness day in and day out was a built in reminder of what he used to have.

Christian thought back on how much effort him and Olli had put into each other, and it was hard to believe that one choice on Christian's part had torn it all apart. They'd been through his confusion, his hack-job of a boxing career, Axel, legal fees, heartache, and pain. Oliver had shown nothing but support and patience for Christian in every step of their relationship. Out of that compassion, their love could always glue and patch the holes.

Now their monumental accomplishments crumbled in on themselves and they were standing on opposite sides of rubble.

When the movers brought by all of Christian's clothes and belongings Gregor helped him unpack in the room they'd let him use. Christian promised that he wouldn't impose too long, just long enough to save up enough money to try and afford a place of his own. If he couldn't afford that much, then he would try to find flatmates. Luise wouldn't let him promise such a thing because he was family, but Christian insisted.

And that was life. Work, eat, sleep. Work, eat, sleep. Work, eat, sleep.

Christian wasn't even sure which day it was most of the time, and more often than not he would show up in the kitchen at Königsbrunn and Justus would remind him that it was his day off.

Rebecca used to spend a lot of time with him in the stable after he left Olli, but now she was barely even a presence. She grew fed up one cold afternoon with his deadened responses to flippant thing that came out of her mouth. 'When you're ready to be a living friend again,' she snapped, 'you know where to find me!'

That was six weeks ago, and Christian hadn't heard from her since. Occasionally he would catch a glimpse of her face watching him from her window, but she would quickly close the curtains and vanish.

Christian couldn't blame her, he'd shut out every one of her attempts to console him. He was practically a zombie, and he was fine with that status. As long as he had a job to do he could put for all of his effort and exhaust himself so that he could sleep once he made it back to Waldenstyck.

Why should he pretend to be happy and alive when all that was life to him had rejected him? Oliver was Christian's life, and without his love the world was only a planet inhabited by too many people. It wasn't their world, not anymore. Christian could survive just fine without having to speak to another living human being again.

But one sunny spring afternoon, while Christian was out helping chop wood on Gregor's request (because Gregor didn't like feeling useless and lazy with the help doing everything else), the inevitable _talk_ arose.

"Christian, you need to talk to Olli." Gregor said as he leaned on his axe to catch his breath.

"Are you tired of me already after only two months?" Christian asked. Gregor didn't hear the humor in his younger brother's voice, though to be fair Christian didn't really include any.

"I'm tired of watching you walk around like… like a corpse." Gregor said. "You work and then you come home and sleep. You barely eat, and the only reason you eat when you do is because Luise makes you. We have to treat you like a child just to get you to take care of yourself."

"Consider it practice for when the real babies show up."

"Do you even know what day today is?" Gregor laughed sardonically.

"Wednesday." Christian said flatly as he brought his axe down on another log segment.

"Wednesday? That's all today is to you?" Gregor asked. Christian shrugged and sat another log onto the tree stump. "It's your own birthday."

Christian stood upright and furrowed his brows in thought, trying to think of what day it was. Sure enough, Gregor was right. Christian hadn't even given it a second thought.

"Well what's a birthday but another day?" Christian countered as he brought his axe down again. The afternoon sun set Gregor's eyes in the shadow of his brow, and Christian ignored the skeptical stare his brother was giving him.

"Christian, surely Olli's had some time to cool down and get over whatever happened between the two of you." Gregor said. "Olli must miss you as much as you miss him." Christian slung his axe across his shoulders and opened his mouth to argue, but Gregor was swift to the punch. "Don't even try to deny it, I know you miss Olli more than you'd miss the sun if it was punched out of the sky!"

"Well I'll have to get over it eventually." Christian said firmly. It was clear that Gregor wanted to say more, much more, but he kept his mouth shut and helped Christian with the rest of the firewood.

Staggering into the kitchen after showering and changing, Christian found Luise in the kitchen, standing over the counter with a glass of milk in her hand.

"What are you doing out of bed?" Christian asked urgently. He rushed to her side as she smiled and chuckled at his reaction. He hadn't seen Luise on her feet since he'd arrived. The twins had made her as large as a barn (though he wouldn't dare tell her that) and they were due any week now. The physician strictly told her to get up only during emergencies.

"I can't stay cooped up in that room forever." Luise smiled warmly. "I needed some fresh air, even if it's only kitchen air."

"If Gregor catches you down here he won't be happy about it." Christian said.

"Then we'd better be extra careful and alert, shouldn't we?" she said. Christian smirked with her and helped her to the table. He hadn't faux-smiled in a few days; his facial muscles actually felt a little sore. "Besides, you're involved now, it won't just be my fault."

"_I'm_ involved, am I?" Christian mused. "How so?"

"I came down here to find you so I can give you this myself." Luise said. She reached beneath her coat and pulled out a small giftwrapped box. It was long and rectangular. "Happy birthday."

"You really didn't have to get me anything." Christian said with a small smile. "To be honest I didn't even know what today was until your husband told me."

"Well it's just something small, it isn't anything spectacular." Luise said. "I wanted to get you a new car, but Gregor insisted that you liked small gifts more than the extravagant. He said that between the two of you," she stopped her laugh and studied Christian's face for a moment.

"It's alright, you can say his name. Between Olli and I, he was the one who liked flashy things." Christian finished her sentence.

"Well, anyway, I thought that this was the perfect gift for you, and Gregor agreed." Luise said. Christian unwrapped the smooth silky wrapping paper, and the black satin bow carefully. There was a dinged, dented, and dirty cardboard box.

"The paper was fancier than the gift," Christian reflected with a playful smirk as Luise smiled with him.

"That's just the box it was delivered in when I ordered it. Go on, open it." She insisted. Christian slowly unfolded one end of the box and pulled out the bubblewrap. He unrolled the wrap until he held the object in his hand. "What do you think?"

"A key?" Christian asked. It was a rather bulky key, not your ordinary house key. It was bronze, and intricately detailed with a crest at the end. "To what?"

"To… well, _here_." Luise said. "It's a key to Waldenstyck, your very own. See, there's my family's crest, and right across the banner it has your name." she pointed out the fancy lettering and he studied it in the sunlight pouring through the windows. "We – Gregor and I – wanted you to know that no matter what happens and where you go, you always have a home here. You don't have to leave if you don't want to."

"Thank you Luise, that's a very thoughtful gift." Christian said.

"I know Gregor knows you much better than I do, and I he said that you would still insist on leaving in a few weeks, but I wanted to make it clear that I would be delighted if you chose to stay here. We both would. Gregor wouldn't say it to your face, but he's missed having you in his life so much that he's just happier having you around." Luise said. "And I would love it if you could be here when your niece and nephew are born."

"That means a lot coming from you." Christian said.

"Can I ask you something?" Luise asked warily.

"Of course, we're family. You can always feel free to ask me anything." Christian said. She twiddled her thumbs on the table top for a moment as she deliberated her words.

"Was there nothing you two could have done to fix things?" she asked. "Was what you did too horrendous to ask forgiveness?"

"What I did was horrendous, yes." Christian said dimly. "But as for whether or not Olli could have forgiven me… I don't think he could. Maybe there's only so much a person can excuse and then that's it, they can't do it anymore. Or maybe Olli has some sort of forgiveness scale, and what I did was Code Red: Forgiveness Forbidden."

"Christian, forgiveness is forgiveness, no matter what you did." Luise said. "If he really loved you then he would be ready to let it go."

"But I don't want him to have to let it go." Christian said. "Olli has already let a lot of things go on my behalf. Did you know that he was willing to stay in the closet with me if I chose not to come out at all?" Luise smiled tenderly as she placed her hands over Christians. "Did you know that he stayed with me even after my poor choices got him beaten so badly he was hospitalized and suffered a brain aneurism?"

"No, Gregor never told me that." Luise gasped.

"Olli had always put me before himself up until I left. And even if he forgave me, it would be yet another thing he would have let go for me." Christian said. "I've been thinking about it, and I think that he's much better off without me. He should live for himself, not for me."

"I understand, I do." Luise said. "And if you decide to go, I'll be sad, and I won't pretend that I won't cry, but I'll understand if you did." Her thumbs stroked the back of Christian's palms and it reminded him of the way Olli used to.

Suddenly she jumped and her eyes grew wide. "One of them kicked!" she squeaked. She pulled Christian forward by his hand and placed his palm on her belly. Not a moment later he felt his little feisty niece or nephew nudge against him.

"That's amazing." He said with a grin. It was the first genuine feeling of happiness he'd felt in months. Maybe he could find a way to feel some semblance of happiness in his life after Olli? Not real happiness, and not in full effect like he used to, because he left that half of him with Olli. But maybe he could get used to the little snippets of bliss he could produce?

"There you are." Gregor smiled as he walked into the kitchen. "You aren't supposed to be out of bed." He leaned over her and kissed her from behind.

"I wanted to give Christian his gift." Luise said. "He loved it."

"That's because you have good taste for what's sentimentally valuable." Gregor smirked. And then Christian saw the look in his eyes that Olli used to give him. It hurt, he could admit, and felt a bit like failure to dodge a bullet. "This came for you." Gregor said, handing Christian a small envelope.

Christian opened the letter with a butter knife and slid the card out of the envelope.

_This is a personal invitation for_

_Christian Mann_

_To the wedding of_

_Constantin Von Lahnstein & Judith Hagendorf_


	3. Part III: Face Yourself

Part III. Face Yourself

Christian kept reaching up to scratch his jaw-line out of habit. He had grown so used to his scratchy facial hair, grown out of his vacation from reality over the past few months, that it was routine to scratch the itch. And even though his face was smooth today, specifically for the joyous event of Judith's wedding, he still kept scratching at his tender skin as he sat in the back of the limo with a smiling, glowing Luise and a moody Gregor.

"You'll draw blood if you keep that up." Gregor said as he smacked Christian's hand away from his cheek in annoyance.

"You have to be among the living to bleed; you told me I was a walking corpse." Christian said. Luise found their childish quarrels entertaining, so she simply sat back and enjoyed the show.

When the limo stopped, just outside of Constantin's old childhood residence of Castle Königsbrunn and Christian's current workplace, the entire entrance and vestibule was white, and decorated with streams of ribbons and flags.

"It's reminiscent of our wedding, isn't it?" Luise said nostalgically. Gregor squeezed his hand as he opened the door and helped her out.

"Are you coming?" Gregor asked, quite fatherly as he nagged.

"Of course, I just need a moment alone." Christian said. Gregor twisted his lips a bit judgmentally, but Luise nodded considerately. Gregor closed the door behind them, and Christian clutched his slacks. This suit suddenly felt a little too tight, and he loosened his tie a bit so that he could draw some air into his lungs.

Olli would be here, he knew that very well. He'd been anticipating what he would do when they inevitably locked eyes, but he hadn't come up with an answer. Maybe he could avoid his ex for the evening?

That wasn't likely; first point in the case was that Judith and Constantin would want to talk to their old friends. Judith would especially want to catch up and reminisce with her old roommates while she recounted her life and adventures in London.

The second reason it would be difficult to avoid Olli was that Christian was wearing white. He berated himself for choosing such a bright suit. He wanted to look presentable for Judith, sure, but he didn't think about standing out. And as he glanced out the window, he saw most everyone getting out of their cars in black suites and dark gowns.

"Scheisse," Christian groaned exasperatedly. When the limo behind their honked, Christian apologized to the driver for holding him up and quickly got out of the vehicle.

The sun was high, and everyone of Constantin's many, many friends and cousins were lively and exuberantly chatting away as they greeted and held each other. They were all so far and few in between that the chance to gather was probably always a grand and cherished event, especially when they were giving away one of their own into matrimony.

Helena Von Lahnstein's eyes nearly rolled out of her head when she caught sight of Christian; she smiled and waved politely. Andi, on the other hand, slipped his arm through Helena's and urged her toward the castle. Christian frowned but took the nasty snare like a man; he deserved that from Andi, he'd betrayed the man's best friend. He gathered himself up and pressed through the crowd of Von Lahnstein's, and Von-Wherevertheyhailedfrom's and proceeded into the castle.

Justus was all smiles and charm today, and he politely pointed Christian into the direction of the reception, the courtyard. When Christian stepped back into the afternoon sunlight, he saw rows upon rows of chairs, dozens of floral hangings and arrangements, a DJ booth next to a couple of gargantuan speakers, a full bar, and the unmistakable NoLimits logo strewed across the reception; NoLimits glasses, NoLimits placemats, etc.

Olli had become quite an opportunist by making a business venture here. Christian saw dozens upon dozens of guests taking their seats, and he hadn't even seen most of them, let alone heard of them. He hadn't a clue that Constantin's family was so extensive. Christian felt a soft, firm hand on his shoulder and his stomach tightened up. He reached up and brushed the smooth, pale fingers, and could hardly breathe.

"Christian?"

He turned, relieved to see none other than Constantin himself. He was ecstatic – enthused, even. Constantin threw his arms around Christian and embraced him warmly. Christian brought his arms up awkwardly and patted the groom's back.

"I didn't think that you would come." He said. His hair was much shorter, only slightly longer than Christians, and his face was light, happy. Weightless and without burden. Judith must have been as good for Constantin as she was for him.

"I wouldn't miss this for anything." Christian said. And it was true, he wanted to avoid this place like a bad mosh-pit if Olli was going to be here, but Judith and Constantin were of Christian's true, oldest and closest friends. They had reached Kidney-Doner status, and he would give one gladly if they needed one. "Where is Judith?"

"I don't know – I'm not supposed to. Tradition." Constantin smirked. "Where have you been hiding? I haven't seen your face once since we've been back in Düsseldorf."

"I've been staying with Gregor and Luise at Waldenstyck." Christian said.

"All the way in the country? Doesn't the trip here get tiring every day?" Constantin asked. Christian shrugged indifferently, and Constantin seemed to find some humor in that. "Get yourself a drink; we still have some time before the ceremony begins."

"Thank you," Christian smiled as Constantin patted his shoulder. "Wait, before you go… have you seen him?"

"Him? Him… him… Oh, you mean Olli." Constantin said with a smirk.

"Of course I mean Olli, who else would I ask about? Sebastian?" Christian said. Constantin laughed.

"Yeah, Judith and I stayed with him the first week we were here, but spent all of last week here in Königsbrunn." Constantin said. His light smile fell a bit, and his friendly pat had died and become a simple comforting hand on Christian's shoulder. "He's doing fine. His business has taken off a lot, and he's happy."

"That's good." Christian said with a smile. It wasn't at all convincing, nor was it meant to be; it was simply a reflex of pleasantry.

"Don't worry, you won't have to worry about running into him here." Constantin said.

"What? Why?" Christian asked urgently. "Is something wrong? Is he ill?"

"Wow, you still sound like you're his boyfriend. I guess if you care about someone that much it's hard to break the habit, eh?"

"Sure, sure." Christian brushed off of his shoulder.

"He's fine, I assure you. He's out of the country at the moment, on a business endeavor. Me and Judith recited our vows before he left so that he wouldn't feel left out."

"That was thoughtful of you." Christian said. Constantin offered a parting smile and left Christian standing alone with his hands in his pockets. He should have been relieved to know that Olli wouldn't be here, that he was out of the country completely, but somehow that piece of news was worse that facing him. A small part of him actually wanted to see Olli, wanted to affirm with his very own eyes that Olli was actually alright, and happy. To make sure that he was doing well.

After being left alone in a crowd of strangers, with no friends with him, or even Olli to look forward to, Christian made a bee line right for the bar and didn't bother looking at anyone until he reached the counter.

"Schnapps, please." Christian said desperately. He needed some form of getaway quickly before the walls started crumbling around him and everyone began closing in. He'd convinced himself that he was over this, but the way his hands shook and trembled proved otherwise.

"I haven't seen you in a while," Miriam said as she placed a shot in front of him. Christian looked up and saw her awe-stricken face as she stared right back at him. "How are you?"

"Fine." Christian rushed out before cocking his head back with the shot glass.

"NoLimits hasn't been the same without you around." She offered. "And it's funny, because now that I'm tending bar with you here, it feels just as strange."

"Yes, it's hilarious, isn't it?" Christian said sardonically. Her knocked back the second shot and slammed the glass back on the counter. "I'm laughing so hard that my sides are splitting."

"Miriam, there are a few guests at the other end of the bar who need help," Miriam nodded quickly as the commanding tone of the figure who'd waltzed up to Christian's side. "Leave the bottle, this poor guy looks like he could use it."

"Don't speak for me." Christian snapped as he faced Rob. Rob smirked, and placed his hands up submissively. He grabbed the bottle and poured Christian another shot. "What are you doing here? This is a private event, invitation only."

"I'm hosting in Olli's absence." Rob said lightly after Christian drank his shot.

"He asked you?" Christian asked.

"He didn't need to, I volunteered." He said.

"So you're still around after all." Christian said coldly. Rob sat in the stool next to Christian's and poured himself a shot.

"I apologized to Olli, explained that we were both a little drunk, and that I got swept up in the moment." Rob said matter-of-factly. "He was reluctant to accept my friendship at first, but he came around in a few days. Now he's doing better than ever. Booming business, new parties and friends all day and night, and he's happy."

"You know, Miriam was right. This is funny." Christian said darkly. "I loved him for almost three years, and he dumps me without a second thought. But you, his precious fucking Robert, he'll take you back in a heartbeat."

"That's just reality." Rob said smugly. "No hard feelings though, right?"

"None. No hard feelings between us at all." Christian said through the swelling ache in his chest, and the sudden lump in his throat. He knocked his glass against Rob's, and they took their shots simultaneously. Rob laughed a bit, and looked over at Christian in time to see the fist headed right for his face.

He was off the stool and on the grass in only one punch. In his rage, Christian stomped on the hand holding the shot glass, and he felt the glass crush beneath his foot and into Rob's hand as he screamed in agony. Christian was pulled away by his arm as he tried to kick as the crying man on the ground.

"Christian! Have you lost your mind?" Gregor shouted. Christian shook his arm free and glanced around at all the shocked faces staring back at him. Christian looked down at Rob clutching at his sliced and bleeding hand, and then down to where the man had grabbed Christian's white slacks. His red palms smeared along his legs, and now that was no denying what he'd done.

Christian didn't say anything, he simply turned and walked out of the courtyard calmly. Gregor was quick to follow until Luise grabbed his sleeve and kept him behind. Christian was grateful that she'd observed his desire for solitude, he couldn't face anyone right now, let alone Gregor.

Rob would press charges, he knew he would, and even though Christian's probation was up, he could face serious assault charges. His record was already spotted enough. But above all of that, nothing stung more than the knowledge that Olli had actually forgiven Rob, befriended the asshole, and hadn't called or written Christian once. He ended their relationship without so much as a bat of his lashes when Christian left, but Rob could just walk right back into his life without any effort or blame.

Christian sat at the table in the dining room next to Rebecca's sewing machine and placed his head in his hands. He fought the emotions boiling up inside of him, that empty place in his chest that he'd been avoiding for months. But the feeling growing over him was too much, and it felt as though his ribcage was imploding in fragments, and he finally broke down.

All of those months of ignoring his emotions hadn't helped, only stacked them up for a moment like this when that asshole Rob lit a match and set off the fuse.

Christian cried. He didn't just cry, he moaned and mourned the loss of his love and himself for the first time since Olli ended it all. He didn't care if any of the staff in the kitchen heard him, he didn't care if Rob himself was standing over him, enjoying his misery. Christian just thought about the cold hard truth.

The truth was that Christian and Oliver were officially done and over with. Forever. There had always been a small part of him that hoped that they could work things through when he saw Olli here at the wedding, but reality set in and it was clear that Olli had no intention of seeing Christian ever again, even if that meant leaving the country.

"Oh my god, what happened to you?" Christian looked up to see Judith and Rebecca standing there, staring at Christian in alarm. "Christian?" Judith asked, and her face lit up for a moment. Christian wiped his face on his sleeve and sniffled to look somewhat presentable for his old friend.

"Judith," Christian smiled when he took in the aura that she gave off. She was dressed in white from head to toe. Her gown was faceted with dozens of intricate roses, and she simply glowed like an angel. "You look… I'm speechless." He said. He stood with his arms open, and Judith came toward him, but she looked down and her eyes grew.

"Is that blood?" Judith gasped. Rebecca's eyes grew wide, and she looked up at Christian.

"Is everything alright?" she asked.

"I think I might have ruined your wedding, Judith." Christian smiled timidly. "I got into a fight… well it wasn't even a might, I attacked someone. I might have even done serious damage to his hand. I'm sorry, really, I didn't mean to…"

"Christian, it's alright." Judith said, and she took him into her arms. She stroked his neck and cooed soothingly. "You didn't ruin my wedding, I'm still getting married! Even if an earthquake split the courtyard, and hell was breaking through, and a meteor shower was falling from the sky; if there was still an aisle, I would walk down it if Constantin was waiting for me on the other end."

"You really love him, don't you?" Christian asked. Judith smiled warmly and wiped Christian's hair out of his face.

"I do." She said. "And he loves me, and that's stronger than any hardship that could come between us."

"I need to apologize to Constantin about what happened." Christian said.

"Then do it at the altar." Judith said. Christian furrowed his brow, and raised the other in curiosity. "My father is ill right now, and his health can't afford the trip here, so Rebecca was going to give you away."

"Rebecca?" Christian asked bemusedly.

"Yeah, well the position of Flower Girl was filled, I had to apply where I could." Rebecca said.

"But I couldn't imagine anyone else I'd want to walk me there and give me away than you, Christian." Judith said.

"What?" Christian asked. That was way too left-field for Christian to have seen coming. He stood there, mouth slightly gaped, and confusion swept across his face. She should have been mad at him for causing trouble at her wedding, and breaking Olli's heart, not asking him to give her away.

"Please say yes." Judith pleaded.

"Yes! Of course," Christian fumbled. Judith threw her arms around him in excitement, but backed away quickly when a dawning realization hit her.

"We have to do something about that blood," Judith said.

"I can take care of it, don't worry." Rebecca said.

"Good! You have thirty minutes before we have to meet back here for the ceremony!" Judith said, shoving Christian into Rebecca's care.

It only took five minutes in Rebecca's hands before Christian was standing in his underwear in her room. She had at least let him keep his dress shirt on. She needed the pants and the blazer to dye and wash them to get rid of any sign of a stain.

"It's lucky that I still have dye left over from my last school assignment." Rebecca said. She had dyed the garments in a large pot, and then gave the pot to a servant. He hoped that she knew what she was doing. "Isobelle can heat dry it just in time."

"Thanks." Christian said. He wasn't exactly comfortable standing there, drafty and exposed in front of Rebecca.

"Christian, I want to apologize." Rebecca said.

"For what?"

"For not being there when you needed a friend the most." Rebecca said. "I just left you alone because of my own selfishness, and that was really terrible of me. Maybe if I'd stayed, you wouldn't look so unwell."

"Unwell? I look fine." Christian said stiffly. But Rebecca took him by the hand and led him to her large full body mirror to look at himself.

"Your eyes are tired, and baggy. Your face is hollow, and your body is much, much thinner than the last time I've seen you this close up. What do you see?" Rebecca asked. Christian looked at himself for a long hard moment.

"Shit." He answered honestly.

"Well that's a poetic way to put it. But that explains how you've gotten to this point. When you look in the mirror, you see only scheiss." Rebecca said. Rebecca stood slightly behind him, holding his arms slightly away from his hips, and left him staring as his entire body. "Now look at yourself again."

"Rebecca, this is pointless!" Christian snapped.

"Just listen to me." Rebecca shushed him. She reached up and twisted his head back to facing himself in the mirror. "In front of you; anything that interests you in that beautiful face?" Christian sniggered at that; beautiful face. There was nothing beautiful in that mirror except for Rebecca, Christian was just a black hole taking up space.

"No." Christian said dimly.

"Look into your eyes. What do you see?" Rebecca asked him. He looked over his shoulder at Rebecca, but she pointed back to the mirror. Christian exhaled and, though he couldn't fathom why he was actually going to play along, he looked into the mirror. He caught his eyes, his own blue eyes, and nearly fell backward. He hadn't seen them in so long, he'd forgotten just how bright they were. He figured his moping would've clouded them or something.

But what could he see in them? They were brighter against his slightly red eyes from the tears, and his face was a little puffy around them, but beneath his brows, in this moment, something familiar shined through. It was a piece of him that he used to see in photographs, something he used to see in the mirror long ago. A lifetime ago.

"Maybe… Kindness." Christian said.

"You're right, I can see it now." Rebecca said. "There's a lot of kindness inside of you, I used to admire it. What else do you see?"

"They're, um… Not bad." Christian said awkwardly. He didn't know what else he could see in them, it felt strange to look at himself for more than a passing second anymore.

"Beauty. Exactly." Rebecca said. "You hate yourself. You hate your body. You hate Christian because he's the one that messed up and cost you your true love. But just because you made a mistake, and your life has turned for worse, there is still beauty inside of you. You're still beautiful, your body is still beautiful. Now what do you see?"

Christian's eyes relaxed, as he perceived what Rebecca was telling him. Though he had imagined himself as some hideous deformity, she was right; he was still himself on the inside, and the outside. They just needed a little work and improvement to be what they once were.

"Gentleness." Christian said.

"Yes, a lot of gentleness comes out of you when you have someone or something to care for. You always took care of Olli with every ounce of you, just like you take care of Elias." Rebecca told him. Christian laughed a bit.

"Are you calling Olli a horse?" Christian asked.

"Stay focused." Rebecca smiled. "Did you see that? You laughed, and smiled. You found a piece of yourself. Maybe now you can find a little bit of love inside of you."

"I don't have anyone to love." Christian said. How could he find any piece of love inside of him if Olli wasn't there? Olli was his love, and took all of his love with him. Christian was incapable, he could never love another, not anymore. "I'm damaged goods."

"But goods nonetheless. You have plenty of people to love; you love Gregor, and Luise, and you'll have more family to love soon once the babies arrive." Rebecca said.

"But that's different, that's not the same." Christian snapped.

"Love is love, no matter what kind. But you have to love yourself again before you can open up and love anyone else like you used to." Rebecca said. "You have so much love inside of you, but you've buried it for so long that you can't remember how to love yourself; some of it has to come out."

"What?" Christian asked. "I was with you up to this point, but letting love out? That doesn't make sense."

"Sure it does. Here," Rebecca took his hand and stood next to him in the mirror. "Tell me that you love me."

"What?"

"Don't you love me?" Rebecca asked.

"Yes, a lot – like a friend. I mean, we're really close, and you always have a way of cheering me – " Christian said. Rebecca rolled her eyes and cut him off.

"You're losing focus – do you love me, or don't you?" Rebecca asked. She stared at him expectantly, and he stared back into her eyes in the mirror. Christian let down his guard, which had immediately flared up out of reflex, and smiled when she did.

"Of course." He said.

"Then say it." She told him. He opened his mouth, but a knot arose from the pit of his stomach and lodged in his throat. His lips stammered for a moment, and he broke eye contact and looked at himself again. He felt ridiculous, but Rebecca squeezed his hand.

"It's… It's hard to say." Christian admitted.

"Do you know why? Because no one's told you that they loved you in a long, long time. Olli used to tell you every day, and now you're alone. It's difficult to love yourself when no one else reflects that." Rebecca said. She looked directly into the eyes of Christian's reflection and warmth hit him like a breeze when she said "I love you, Christian."

His palms were cold and clammy, but in the deepest core of himself, where he thought there was only emptiness and despair, he felt warmth, like a candle had been lit.

"Voila; your reason to love. You've received it, and now you can give some in return." Rebecca said. "Now it's your turn." Christian took a deep breath and steadied his erratic nerves. Something was gnawing away in the pit of him, and that little bit of warmth felt like it was being overpowered by the ice cool feeling of self-inflicted woe spreading from the inside.

"I love you, Rebecca." Christian finally choked out, past the knot. His throat immediately felt a little less tight, and that cool feeling ebbed away as the warmth grew.

"Now look at yourself carefully in the mirror, and say it to yourself." Rebecca said. She let go of his hand and stepped away until all he could see there was his own reflection, and his bright eyes. His sad, worn and hollow face, thin of malnutrition and sorrow. He'd been seeped in his own selfish blame and delusions for so long that it had seriously affected the outside. He opened his mouth, but froze.

Out of frustration he sighed.

"I can't." He said.

"Of course you can, you know you can. You've loved yourself before, it's possible to learn to love again." Rebecca said. "Look at yourself, alone and scared. You miss being loved. You miss being trusted. Don't you think the man looking back at you deserves to be looked after a bit? Don't deny him that much, because he's borne you for your entire life without complaining. It's time to repay that love.

"Tell yourself how important you are. Give yourself what you deserve." Rebecca said.

Christian kept his eyes locked with his own reflection, and squared his jaw tightly. He took deep, shaky breaths as something fought within himself. His stomach twisted and churned, and he felt as though he was going to vomit as the empty pit trembled and cried out. His eyes began watering as he stared himself down, but even as a tear fell he ignored all distractions as he fought to break every wall in that way of that love he needed to find. He needed it now more than ever, Rebecca had brought him too far now to fail her efforts.

"I love you, Christian." He said. All of the cold, black, raging, chaotic turmoil of emotions inside of him immediately vanished the moment those words left his lips. He breathed in, and it felt like the first air to reach his lungs in months. "I love you." He repeated to himself. "I love you."

"Now what do you see?" Rebecca asked. Christian shrugged.

"I don't know."

"Well that's an improvement, isn't it?" she said.

"How do you figure?" he asked incredulously.

"Before you saw only shit; now you see nothing." Rebecca said. In a strange way, she did make sense. "It feels much better, doesn't it?" Rebecca asked as she rubbed his arm calmly. "I want you to look at yourself in the mirror every day and tell Christian that you love him."

"I will." Christian said. Even as Isobelle brought his suit through the door, it was hard to look away from the man he hadn't seen in some time. Somehow he just looked… different. There was no explaining it, he didn't physically look any different, but he felt different, and the way his eyes looked back at him was something new.

Rebecca left him alone to change, and Christian didn't waste any time in cleaning himself up. When he ran back into the Kitchen, there Judith was with a big grin on her face. Christian matched her expression and immediately slipped his arm through hers.

"You look like a princess. I should know, I live with one." Christian said. "Nervous?"

"You have no idea." Judith laughed. "There's over two-hundred people outside, and only a dozen of them are my own family. There are professional cameras taping everything, and I know that I'm going to mess something up in front of Constantin's family."

"That is a lot of pressure." Christian chuckled.

"But I know that once I see Constantin I'll be fine." She said. And she was right; once the music began, and they stepped outside, her eyes locked onto Constantin, smiling warmly at the end of the altar, and her steps became less shaky and more fluid.

"Happy endings do exist." Christian mused as they made their way down the aisle. Christian politely ignored the nasty snares coming his way from the incident at the bar and focused on getting Judith to her soon-to-be husband.

"It's not an ending. It's only the beginning." Judith said. "Besides, happy endings are nice, but I'm looking forward to the happy life ahead of us much more than the end."

As Christian let go, and Constantin took her hand, he backed away and took a seat in the front row. Despite the fact that nothing else had changed; he was still without Olli for the rest of his life, and there would be consequences for his stunt with Rob, he felt much lighter as he watched Judith and Constantin nervously go through their vows with smiles. And he couldn't help but smile himself as he looked around at all the love and admiration in the courtyard. Even Gregor and Luise were together, and happy.

As Constantin led Judith in their first dance as a married couple, Christian vowed to make sure that everyone around him stayed happy. It would take a long time and a lot of effort before he was himself again, but Rebecca had given him a good start, and that was worth more than words could express. He was eternally grateful for what she'd done for him today.

And as he left Königsbrunn with Gregor and Luise, he made a note to himself to get a copy of the camera near the bar to see if they caught the punch. If he was going to pay for it, he might as well enjoy the replay value for what it was worth.


	4. Part IV: Half of You

AN: Thanks to swamud3a for introducing me to the word Schatz - love it now!

Part IV. Half of You

"Don't worry, the worse that will happen is a fine, maybe some community service." Gregor said. As Christian sat in a grey room with no windows but the one on the door, he laughed a bit to himself. _Community Service,_ he said. Christian had been sentenced to 30 days in jail for aggravated assault.

Thirty days wasn't the worst thing that could happen to him; as his second offense the judge had every right in his power to sentence him to prison again. But Christian's good behavior and efforts to better himself in the past few years had earned his Honor's leniency. Compared to what he'd gone through it was going to be a walk in the park. But it was a splotch on his record, and that was going to look bad with all future employers.

Not to mention he would have to literally crawl back to Justus on hand and bended knees and grovel to have a chance at earning his position back.

Christian's first day in he already had a visitor. The guard didn't cuff him like he was used to in prison. Instead, the tall dark man just led him silently to the booths where the other inmates were chatting away with friends and family.

When situated behind the glass, Christian saw Gregor with the voicebox already against his ear. Christian picked up the phone and leaned forward.

"How are you?" he asked.

"Good, good. It's not that bad. In some ways it's better than prison, in some ways it's worse." Christian said.

"You look better than you did going in. Is their good that miraculous that one day can change you?" Gregor laughed. "I came to tell you that Luise is in labor, she's in hospital now."

"What? Is she alright?" Christian asked. Gregor smirked and nodded calmly.

"She's sorry that you can't be there." He said.

"But you can, so why are you here? Go!" Christian said. Gregor laughed a bit.

"I will, but I want to see how you're doing." Gregor said.

"What's there to say? 30 days, and that's it. No fine, no probation, I was lucky." Christian said.

"Has anyone else come to see you?" Gregor asked. Christian shrugged and shook his head.

"You were the first." He said. Gregor frowned a bit, but cheered up almost instantaneously.

"I'm going to be a father." Gregor said with a big grin. "A father! Papa, daddy, and all those other sappy terms of endearment!" Christian laughed with him, and they talked for a while longer until visiting time was over. Gregor bid him a farewell, and promised to bring pictures of the babies as soon as they were born.

Life in the room was somewhat irritating. Four grey walls, and two cots, one for him and one for his quiet roommate. They left the lights on 24 hours a day, so sleep was a bit tricky. But just like he promised himself, he looked himself in the mirror above the sink every morning when he woke up and gave himself his well needed, and deserved love.

Christian wished that he knew how to be alone, successfully. When him and Gregor were alone and homeless, it was different. They didn't have anyone, but Christian always had Gregor to rely on. As Christian thought about it, he'd never truly been alone, not really. And because of this, he didn't really understand how to be self-reliant. He'd always leaned on someone else, and he realized that maybe he'd leaned on Olli just a little too much.

Christian hadn't ever really thought of life without Olli, and so when he was thrown into the world without him, he didn't have purpose, left defeated and alone. He was living in a world where Olli was the sun, and he was on Olli's invisible leash. With that much taken away from him, he had no direction.

Suddenly the last few months made much more sense to him.

He spent most days wondering how to get along with himself during the inevitable times in life when he would be alone for any extended period of time. What is possible to learn so late in life? At the moment, Christian was merely a child who was aware that he was needy. But how did he move beyond that, he wondered.

He received a surprise visit from Rebecca one day. She said that Justus hired a temporary horsekeeper until they could find a more suitable trainer. She said it was just his way of saving the position for Christian when he got out, which Christian hoped was true. But the hopeful news came with a downside; Elias was sick.

Christian knew that Elias would pull out of it alright, after all the horse had faced worse. But he couldn't help but worry. Elias was as valid and tangible a friend as anyone else. Just because he was a horse didn't mean he wasn't as worthy of concern.

Over the next few weeks, Rebecca came to see him quite often, usually about every other day like clockwork. Gregor came by and told him that everything was just fine with the children, and Luise had finally left the hospital and took them home. He pressed the photographs taken at the hospital against the glass so that Christian could have his first look, and they were two breathtakingly adorable infants.

Three days before Christian got out of jail, Rebecca came by with the grim news that Elias had passed away. As with all of the horses, they had a burial plot for them behind the stables, and it was there that they would hold the memorial service. Christian had tried to get Olli to come to a memorial service once, but he thought that the idea of a funeral for a horse was ridiculous, so he passed.

Christian told her that he would be there. The next two days were spent in a long, dragged out wait. He knew that he was so close to freedom again. 9a.m. Thursday morning and he would taste free air. But the last hours were the longest as he ticked the seconds away.

When freedom came, it was the second time in his life that he'd tasted something so sweet. Luise and Gregor's driver was waiting outside as soon as he walked out, and he was so ecstatic that he wrapped his arms around the driver as the man stood there, awkwardly waiting for Christian to break the hug.

He promised himself that he would never be locked in a cell and away from his friends and family again. He missed too much life in 30 days alone; Luise giving birth, Elias' last days. Never again, he swore.

When he arrived, the first thing he did was run to Luise and Gregor's room to see the twins. They had a nursery, but for the first few months the children would be bunking with them as Christian's crib was in their room. Gregor was a little reluctant to have Christian hold either of them, accusing him of being clumsy, but Luise insisted.

They named them Mascha & Andreas. Christian was in awe for a long while, simply holding them in turn while Luise and Gregor watched like careful watchdogs. He couldn't blame them, he would do the same if he was the proud parent of two beautiful children.

Christian enjoyed his shower, dinner, and soft bed in Waldensteyck like never before. But unfortunately Saturday came too soon. And when he stepped out of the car onto the grounds of ___Königsbrunn, it wasn't such a joyous place as the last time he'd been here. All of the white was gone, and the grounds were green and bare as usual. The sky was grey, and the air was cool. Christian wrapped his black wool coat around his body and made his way inside. In the kitchen was where he found Rebecca, eating a champagne truffle. Her eyes flash when he walked in, and she immediately threw her arms around him._

___The memorial was simple, a small headstone among the dozens and dozens behind the barn with only a few people present. Rebecca stood next to Christian, and she kept looking around nervously, as though she was expecting snipers to peek around the trees. As they walked back toward the castle to find Justus so that Christian could ask for his job back, Rebecca's face lit up a bit. Christian followed her gaze and froze in the grass when he two people standing near the kitchen entrance._

___Oliver and Andi were slowly making their way toward them. Christian swallowed hard as Olli was actually there, right before him. He wasn't a dream, or a mirage, he was real. His skin was pallid in the ashen grey light, but his cheeks were rosy and his eyes were still just as lovely as ever._

_"__Olli!" Rebecca called out. When Olli looked up and over to her with a smile, it soon faded when he saw Christian standing next to her._

_"__Why is he here?" Christian stammered._

_"__I asked him to come." She said. She waved to him, but he didn't move an inch closer, and neither did Christian. Olli turned around and headed for the castle with a swift retreat._

_"__I can leave and come back for Justus later if you have business with Olli." Christian said. He didn't want to jeopardize her friendship with Olli by being seen with her._

_"__I told you this was a bad idea." Andi snapped as Rebecca and Christian drew closer. "He has enough stress already, Olli doesn't need to listen talk to this piece of shit anymore."_

_"__Lay off it, Andi." Rebecca snapped back._

_"__That's easy for you to say, you didn't have to see him in the hospital for weeks, or throwing up anything he eats!" Andi said. Rebecca flinched away from his anger, but he got further into her face. "You weren't there when they were pumping bottles of Anzemet and _phenothiazines out of his stomach!"

"Andi!" Christian pushed him out of Rebecca's face and stepped between them. "What the hell are you talking about? What's wrong with Olli?"

"What the hell does it matter to you?" Andi growled.

"Andi, Olli wanted to tell him!" Rebecca said. She stared him down for a moment, but Andi fell silent and calmed down.

"What's going on?" Christian asked. "Did Olli try to commit suicide?"

"Not exactly," Rebecca said. "He did, but… look, why don't we just go inside and talk about this?" Rebecca asked.

"Forget it, I'm going to make sure Olli's alright. He shouldn't have come here in the first place." Andi said. He turned on his heel and stormed off, mumbling beneath his breath. Rebecca urged Christian toward the castle, and sat him down in the dining room with a cup of cocoa. She sat her own mug on the table as she sat next to him.

"Rebecca, I'm going crazy with the suspense; please ease my worries and tell me what's going on." Christian said.

"Don't get mad at me, I only learned a few weeks ago." Rebecca said. Christian held up his palm and swore, waiting anxiously for her to go on. "Olli is sick."

"Sick? Like, flu sick? I don't understand what this has to do with a suicide attempt!" Christian hissed.

"He has cancer." Rebecca said.

"What?" Christian asked. It was all he could say. Olli and cancer didn't fit in the same sentence, and as he ran her words over and over inside of his head he still couldn't piece it together in a way that made sense. "Rebecca, Olli doesn't have cancer." Christian said.

"He does. He's had it for a long time now." Rebecca said.

"That's impossible, he would've told me." Christian said.

"I found out when Helena called me from the hospital." Rebecca said.

"Helena knows too? Was I the only person who didn't?" Christian asked.

"She was over at the apartment a few weeks ago, just after you went to jail, and her and Andi found Olli unconscious on the bathroom floor with a note. It was when he tried to kill himself. Unfortunately what he didn't know was that when one tries to take his own life with pills, the body usually rejects the pills soon after they fall unconscious, so most of it was out of his system. He was fine, the hospital stay was a precaution." Rebecca said. "They pumped out what was left and tried to flush his system, and now he's back at home."

Rebecca stared at Christian as he held his head in his hands, staring at the table.

"Are you okay?" Rebecca asked.

"When did he first learn?" Christian asked. "Did he tell you?" Rebecca looked around the room and sipped her cocoa. "Damnit, Rebecca, tell me."

"Seven months ago." She said.

"We were still together." Christian said. "We were still together, and I had no idea. He was getting treatment, and I had no fucking clue."

"Christian, I'm so sorry." Rebecca said. She tried rubbing his back, but he shrugged off her hand. "Once I found out I told him that you had a right to know, that's why I told him to come today, when you would be here. He said that he was going to tell you, but then… he just left."

"Seven months. Three months we were together. And he told me absolutely nothing." Christian said. He stood up and buttoned his coat.

"Where are you going?" Rebecca asked.

"Thanks, Rebecca, you've been a big help lately. I'll call you later." Christian said. He gave her a grateful kiss on the cheek, and she was left to stand alone, touching the warmth he left behind on her cheek. It was a signature of the warmth he'd gotten back. He was finally getting back to his old self, she mused.

Christian directed the driver to an address he knew by heart, one of the only addresses he could recite as easily as the alphabet. The traffic was thick, and he restlessly waited as rain began to pelt the window. But when NoLimits came into view, Christian's hearts flared. He flew out the door as soon as the car rolled slow enough to do so, and he rushed inside. It was a busy day, the place was full and everyone wanted something to keep them warm in the sudden draft of cold, wet weather.

Miriam caught sight of him, and her eyes flashed. Her hand was on the phone behind the bar before Christian could mutter a word, so he was left with no choice but to fly up those stairs before she could sound the alarm.

Christian rushed up the first flight of stairs, jumped the landing, and headed straight up to the hall. He raised his fist to pound on the door, but was greeted by an expectant Andi Fritsche. "I need to see him." Christian said, though he was a bit winded. He didn't realize what bad a shape he was in until he ran up a flight of stairs.

"Fuck you." Andi said flatly.

"Andi, please don't make me force my way inside, because you and I both know that it wouldn't be an even fight." Christian said. "You're a runner, I'm a boxer; I'll see Oliver one way or another."

"_Ex_-Boxer." Andi said as he puffed up his chest.

"Andi," they heard from behind him, inside the living room. Christian's heart nearly leapt right out of his chest when he heard Olli's voice. Andi eyed him darkly, but stepped aside and let Christian through.

When Christian saw Olli up close, his legs nearly gave out beneath him. He was extremely pale, and the rings around his eyes were so dark he nearly looked dead already. Olli offered a smile, but Christian couldn't return it, the shock was too much to bear.

To hell with boundaries and propriety, Christian thought. All he saw was the love of his life in pain, and he was going to do the right thing. He crossed the distance and wrapped his arms around Olli. He held him closely, tightly. He gripped the back of his head by his hair, and held him, no matter what the consequences were. Enough was enough, Olli could permit him this much.

Olli held him back, and for a small moment, Christian was complete. He felt life, flowing through his bones and veins and into his finger tips as Olli was pressed against him, embracing him, and even _this_ wasn't close enough.

"Andi, it's fine." Olli said. Andi bowed out and went back to his room, leaving the two of them alone. Olli held gestured toward the couch, and Christian sat down with him, carefully. He felt the sudden need to treat Olli fragilely, which he was sure that Olli thought was ridiculous. But Christian didn't know how Olli felt. He was obviously in emotional distress if he'd tried to kill himself, but Christian couldn't blame him.

"You came to ___Königsbrunn," he pointed out like an idiot. He rolled his eyes and sighed._

_"__Yes," Olli said with a smile. "Rebecca said that you would be there, and there you were."_

_"__Why did you run away?" Christian asked._

_"__I needed to talk to you, but once I saw you… I lost the courage." Olli said. "There's something I need to tell you."_

_"__Rebecca told me everything after you ran away." Christian said. Olli nodded and frowned a bit, twiddling his thumbs together under Christian's gaze. "Seven months?"_

_"__I'm sorry." Olli said quietly._

_"__Seven months, and you never said a damn word? We were together for three months after you found out, and you didn't say anything." Christian said._

_"__I couldn't find the words to tell you at the time. I didn't know yet if it was something to worry about or not." Olli said. "I didn't want to worry you if it was nothing serious."_

_"__But then it did turn serious, didn't it?" Christian accused. Olli bit his lip and nodded, receding into a corner of the couch. "What kind of cancer is it?"_

_"_Hepatocellular carcinoma." Olli said. "It's liver cancer. When they first found it, it was small enough to remove with a simple surgery, with a small insition. I had pain killers and a small bandage, I told you I accidentally stabbed myself at the bar with a cork screw. But then a month later, I went back and they said that there was more that grew on the underside where they hadn't checked. And from there it's only gotten worse. Chemo won't kill it, it only shrinks it, but they can't perform surgery without taking more than what's healthy.

"So I'm waiting on a donor list, and preparing myself for the worst if they can't find on in time." Olli said.

_"__Why didn't you tell me?"_

_"__I thought it would be best if you never knew." Olli said. "To make you watch me slowly die was something too hideous to ask of you, I could never do that. So when I found out about your indiscretion with Robert, I used it against you._

_"__I could have forgotten about it and forgiven you, because I love you for who you are, mistakes and all. Forgiveness was never a question. But I couldn't face the guilt and shame of asking you to stay and watch this. It would have been too selfish." Olli said._

_"__You're damn right it would have been selfish." Christian scolded him. "It would have been selfish, and you deserved it. You should have been selfish, Olli, god knows I was selfish all the time. Love isn't about being even, it's doing whatever is asked of you for the one you love __before____ having to be asked. I would have stayed with you until the end, Olli."_

_"__I know you would have. But I couldn't – can't ask you to." Olli said. "We both know that you wouldn't have wanted to stay with me once I grew sicker, and began wasting away."_

_"__You stayed with me when I was in the hospital over myocarditis . You helped me get through one of the darkest times in my life, when everything was taken from me by a stupid heart disease." Christian said. "And you have the nerve to think that I wouldn't want to do the same for you? You have the gall to say that I wouldn't want to stay with you, even if you were on your death bed?"_

_"__Just leave, Christian." Olli said._

_"__Not until you tell me why you think I wouldn't give up everything for you, like you do for me." Christian demanded._

_"__Just leave, please." Olli said._

_"__Not until you admit that you still love me." Christian said. Pain struck Olli's face like lightning, but Christian wouldn't give up. "I've thought about you every day since I left, and I haven't stopped loving you. I stopped loving myself, I loathed myself for a long time, but I never stopped loving you – I can't, it's impossible. Tell me that you still love me too."_

___Olli opened his mouth, and tried to look away, but Christian held his face in his hands as he knelt beside the couch. He wouldn't allow him to look away. "Tell me that you still love me."_

___Olli's face went paler, his eyes grew wide, and Christian let go. He leaned over the back of the couch to vomit. Even though Christian always gagged at the sight, sound, and scent of vomit, he was right there to rub Olli's back as his stomach forced out whatever it could hold. Andi came out of the room with a pitiful look on his face as he saw Olli slung over the back of the couch, heaving as much air into his lungs as he could._

_"__I'm sorry," Olli said. "I'll clean it, just help me to the bathroom and let me catch my breath."_

_"__Nonsense," Andi said as he took one of Olli's arms and slung it over his shoulders. Christian tried to help, but Andi insisted that he could get him there just fine. After the bathroom door was shut, Andi went to the sink and took out the bucket and cleaning supplies beneath._

___Christian sat on the back of the couch and placed his head in his hands, trying to ignore the smell. He couldn't believe the state that Olli was in. He was in terrible shape, and it was only getting worse._

_"__I think it's best if you left. You talked to him and now you know everything." Andi said stiffly. Christian glanced at the bathroom door and gave in. Olli didn't want him there in the first place, and he did get what he'd come for. Christian gathered up his coat and wrapped it around his body, and left without another word as Andi went to cleaning up the mess on the floor._

___That night, in Waldensteyck, Christian lied in his bed and stared at the ceiling, thinking and reflecting on a few things in his life. Who he was, who he'd become, and what was worth living for. Olli was worth living for, but he didn't want Christian around because he didn't want Christian to watch him die. He would rather Christian keep the good memories with a spurned ending than live out the rest of his days in selfish happiness at Christian's side._

___The next day, Christian stood before Luise's bed as Gregor held her hand at her side. Christian had asked to speak to them at once, and it was important. He didn't want to go, especially after Luise seemed so ecstatic to have him around, but this was something he needed to do. Not for himself, but for the man he loved._

_"__You're sure?" Gregor asked._

_"__He needs me, Gregor." Christian said. "He's going through a hard time, and if it was the other way around he wouldn't let me keep him away. I have to fight for him."_

_"__Then just be careful," Luise said. "Come back to see us often."_

_"__Of course," Christian said. Christian placed his meager suitcase in the trunk of their car, and both Gregor and Luise stood at the entrance to see him off as he drove away. He tried not to, but he couldn't resist looking back over his shoulder now and then until he couldn't see them anymore._

___Olli opened the door after the incessant knocking, and his face was grim when he saw Christian standing there._

_"__What are you doing here, Christian?" Olli asked._

_"__Doing what I should have done four months ago." Christian said as Olli stepped aside. He watched as Christian dragged his suitcase behind him and propped it next to the door. "I'm staying."_

_"__What?" Olli asked. "No, you're not – get out." Christian went to the kitchen and sat a bag down on the counter. He reached into the cabinet and was grateful that Olli kept everything where it usually went. "Did you hear me? I said get out!"_

_"__I heard you say that you're glad I came to stay, and that you've missed me everyday as much as I've missed you," he said as he sat the bowls down and opened the bag. "But get out? No, my Olli wouldn't have said that to me, not in a million years."_

_"__Well maybe I should have." Olli groaned, irritant and moody. "Now get out before I throw you out, Christian."_

_"__The only way I'm leaving is if you call the police." Christian said._

_"__Get out!" Olli growled._

_"__Not until you eat some soup, I just picked it up." He said. "Soup helps the recovery along, it's a fact. You're going to get better."_

_"__Oh, and you just happen to have all of the answers?" Olli snapped angrily._

_"__Yes, you're not dying, and we're going to get through this together." Christian said._

_"__Christian, listen to me – "_

_"__No, you listen to me Oliver Sabel. I invested all of my love and life into you, and I have none left for anyone else but you. I don't have all the answers – _I don't have any answers! I don't know why we're as complex and different, or unique as we are, and I don't know how we've invented the concept of civilization, time, architecture, literature, language and communication, or emotion. I don't know how we've come from a single celled amoeba in the ocean to two people standing here having a conversation with enough knowledge to know what we're saying, and the depth to ponder the point I'm trying to get across… I don't even know what I'm trying to say!

"Even beyond the fact that I'm just an insignificant thing on a giant ball spinning around a bigger ball floating in nothing, somehow I'm standing here talking to you. Holding your hands. I'm with the most important person in the past, present, and future and in the end it doesn't matter what this world or this life is all about because I just don't care anymore.

"You are reason enough for me to believe that life has some sort of crazy unfathomable purpose that I will never understand. All the cosmic collisions and astronomical supernova's have created this world for us. We were made for each other and no one else.

"You are the one that I'm meant to love, you standing there is proof. And if there is one promise that I will ever keep to you it's that I will love you until the day I die, and I will never leave you again." Christian said. Olli stared back at him, mouth gaped in awe. "Now sit on that goddamn couch and eat some goddamn soup, or I swear to god I will force feed it to you."

"Yes, sir." Olli said. He sat down without question as Christian brought his bowl and they ate in silence. Olli smiled at him, and Christian immediately felt at home again with those eyes staring back at him.

Eventually they lied together on the couch, and Christian held Olli in his arms as his love fell asleep. Christian watched Olli sleep for a while, wondering how he'd lived life without Olli in his life. Olli was air to him, he was everything he needed to survive. And now that he had him back he couldn't dream of ever being without him again.

Oliver Sabel was his one and only, and no other human being in the world would come between them again. And if Death came knocking at their door then Christian would have to make sure that he, too, know that Olli was his, and only his.

"I love you, schatz." Olli said as he peeked open an eye and looked over at Christian. Christian gave him a soft and gentle kiss, running his fingers through his hair and soothing him back to sleep.

"I love you, too."


	5. Part V: Heron Blue

Part V. Heron Blue

It felt strange to be back into the old flow of things. Well, old enough, anyway. Olli had his good days, and he had his bad days, and then there were his really, really bad days. But he was still Olli; the man who knew the secret spell to light a dim room with just a smile and a laugh. They were as infectious as he was, and Christian loved him for it.

Christian was immediately a stake in Olli's life again, and vice versa. As it turned out, Rob wasn't a business partner or friend at all, not anymore. He hit rock bottom a long time ago and came crawling to Olli for a job, which Olli gave him out of pity. He was simply a server at Judith and Constantin's wedding while Olli was out of town for medical treatment. But when Christian injured the creep's hand, he couldn't very well work carrying trays and drinks, so Olli had to let him go.

When Christian brought Olli with him to Waldensteyck, he ecstatic to see the toddlers. He couldn't hold them that day, as it was a bad day and he was a bit weak and feared dropping one. But he was happy all the same, really happy.

"Maybe you two should have some of your own," Luise said with a smile. Christian couldn't tell if she was joking or not, but he hoped that Olli would assume she was joking as not to get any rash ideas.

The next few weeks were almost like being together in the beginning again. Everything was new, and fun. They would play hooky some days and just have a picnic or wander some place they'd never been together. They would talk, and laugh, and spend hours just holding each other, even if it was just in silence. It was so easy to love Olli, and they were closer than ever. For the first time in a long time there were no secrets between them, and that kept them strong.

And then there were the days when Olli didn't feel like he could get out of bed, thanks to the chemotherapy.

Unfortunately when it came to liver cancer, radiation couldn't kill the malignancy like others. But it could shrink and keep the tumor manageable, and Olli's medication usually handled the nausea and vomiting. Usually.

Today was one of Olli's darker days, when he couldn't move due to the unbearable pain in his upper right torso. Seeing him like this, Christian wanted nothing more than to cut out Olli's liver, which Christian had charmingly nicknamed Brutus, and give Olli his own. Christian was just fine with giving up half of his liver, he'd read that it was a regenerative organ. But unlike Rebecca, Christian wasn't a compatible blood type, and that would only end up in a fatal rejection on Olli's part. Christian wanted to ask Rebecca for the favor, but Olli wouldn't hear of it. Olli, being Olli, made Christian swear not to ask her for anything of the sort.

Christian knelt beside the bed and stroked the side of Olli's pale, clammy face. Olli stirred from his sleep, and looked over with a smile.

"Good morning," Olli said warmly.

"Good morning." Christian beamed tenderly. "I have to go to work, but I'll keep my phone on in case you need something, okay?"

"I'll be fine." Olli said. He sat up a bit, but winced and fell back quickly after the pain hit him. Christian kept a firm hand on Olli's shoulder as his love tried to sit up again.

"Don't push it," Christian said. He sat a glass of water next to Olli's assortment of pills he'd prepared on the nightstand. "Take your medication and don't get up until you feel up to it."

"I'll have to go to the bathroom eventually." Olli said dryly as he downed his pills and water.

"Then you'd better hold it until the painkillers kick in." Christian smirked. "I love you very much." He gave him a quick kiss and then grabbed his coat, shutting the door behind him as quietly as possible.

Königsbrunn was a light drizzle as the summer months began to fade and autumn was settling in. Christian had been working on breaking a new stallion by the name of Alec. It was just as stubborn as Elias, but youth and energy was on its side.

The sleek and stunning wheat horse was restless today, so even though he couldn't be properly controlled or guided, Christian rode him out into the rain and let the horse run its heart's desire out on the wide green fields. Christian was trying to get used to its movements and understand its body so that he could better tame the beast. His hips moved with the horse's long gallop, and he tried to keep his body straight, but there was something about the horse that seemed to resist Christian's coordination.

Christian saw Rebecca standing beside the entrance to the stables with an umbrella, watching. Once Alec wore himself out and calmed down a bit, Christian dismounted and led him back to the dry stables with the other horses.

"He's very beautiful," Rebecca said as she ran her fingers through its wet mane.

"But he's stubborn, and has an attitude that needs to be controlled a little better." Christian said.

"Gorgeous and stubborn with an attitude; congratulations, Christian, you've found yourself as a horse. I feel like these horses sometimes; pretty to look at, and pampered day and night, but I'll never truly be free." Rebecca said. Christian glanced at her, wondering what was up with her. She was acting stranger than usual. "How is Olli?"

"As good as can be expected." Christian said. "You should come by and see him sometime, I haven't seen you by once since we patched things up."

"To be honest, I'm afraid to." Rebecca said. "I've been having a really rough year, and I'm afraid that if I come by I just might rub off a little on Olli, and that's the last thing that he needs." She continued to stroke Alec's fur while Christian stared at her skeptically.

"That's the most ridiculous excuse I've ever heard." He said.

"Okay, maybe it is, but…" Rebecca bit her lip as she clutched her coat around her waist tightly and stared at her feet. "I am afraid. Whenever I go see him I'll never know if that will be the last time. I would always be wondering if this would be the last laugh, or the last hug."

"That's an even worse excuse." Christian said.

"Excuse me?" Rebecca asked, shocked by his dismissal.

"What do you think it's like for me?" Christian asked. "Every time I lay next to him, I wonder if he'll wake up in the morning. Every time I leave him alone, I wonder if I'll see him later that evening. I'm there for him because every moment might be his last."

"I'm sorry, I didn't realize," Rebecca said.

"The only way I get through it is knowing that he'll pull through. He just has to survive long enough for the hospital to find a liver." Christian said. Rebecca looked a bit embarrassed, but she didn't argue that point. "Anyway, why don't you come over with me when I get off of work?"

"I would, but I have some things to take care of later." Rebecca said.

"More important than seeing Olli?" Christian asked her doubtfully.

"That's not fair, and you know it." Rebecca snapped. "I just need to do something, for Olli, but mostly for myself."

"Are you surprising him with something?" Christian asked. Rebecca tilted her head as she contemplated whatever a girl of her infinite weirdness contemplates.

"You would do anything for Olli because you love him, wouldn't you?" Rebecca asked.

"Of course, anything." Christian said.

"Even if that meant he was in love with someone else, and you knew that you could never have him, would you still give up everything you had to make him happy?" Rebecca asked.

"Olli's never going to be with anyone else, I'm going to make sure of that." Christian said. But he gauged her reaction thoughtfully, and humored her for the sake of it. "But I guess if that were the case… sure I would. Why do you ask?"

"Just ask Olli not to be angry with me, okay?" Rebecca said. This made Christian look twice as she continued to surprise him by stepping forward. She closed the distance between them in the blink of an eye and pulled his lips down to her own. Christian pulled back but Rebecca kept a firm hold on the back of his neck and held him close for a moment longer.

When she broke the kiss, she kept her eyes closed as Christian stared down at her, confused. She brought her fingers up to her red lips and savored the taste of Christian there for a moment longer until she finally looked up into Christian's speechless face.

"Give Olli my love, and tell him I'll see him soon." Rebecca said. Christian watched her walk off, confused, but a bit appalled by the stunt she'd just pulled. First she had to nerve to imply that her social life was more important than Oliver, and then she outright kissed him. Just what was she playing at? Was she trying to start problems between Olli and himself?

After Christian got home, he found Olli asleep on the couch. He placed a gentle kiss on Olli's forehead, and he didn't budge. He must have been out for the count, Christian thought. He took a quick shower to warm up, and then rummaged through their refrigerator to see what he had to work with. They had chicken breasts and salad, which Christian was content with. Olli could use the protein anyway.

As Christian cooked, he tried to keep the noise to a minimum as not to wake Olli. He wanted to surprise him with a home cooked meal and a smile. Andi came home and quietly talked to Christian for a moment about the groceries and who would make the next outing. He silently went back into his room and took the hint that Christian wanted a special evening with his boyfriend. There was something that Christian had been meaning to do for a while now anyway, and it was about time that he put his desires into motion. Talking to Rebecca about last chances had put a few things in perspective, and he knew what he had to do.

When Christian cleaned up and arranged their plates and dinner on the table, he crept over the couch and leaned over the back.

"Olli," he whispered into his ear. His golden boy didn't budge, so he leaned closer and blew into his ear. "Olli, I'm home." He said. Still no response. "You want to do this the hard way, huh?"

He walked around the couch and ran a swift finger up the sensitive bottom of Olli's foot, which immediately forced a shout of laughter from the man.

"I'm up! I'm up!" Olli laughed. "I've been up for a while now."

"You think I didn't know?" Christian smirked. He plopped down on the couch, careful not to hurt Olli in case he was in pain. But Olli grinned and pulled Christian's arm around his shoulder as he snuggled his body against his. "I'm glad to see you feeling better."

"Only because you're home." Olli said. "I helped out downstairs when the place became a little too crowded for Miriam and Jessica to handle. Nothing too hard, just making drinks and ringing up orders."

"Were you feeling up to it?" Christian asked.

"Surprisingly… yes, I was. And besides, it felt nice to get out of the house. It's been a week since you and me have done anything." Olli said.

"I'm sorry about that, but the days I work you feel fine, and the days I have off you feel worse than ever." Christian said.

"Sorry." Olli frowned.

"It's not your fault, I understand. We just need to synchronize out schedules a bit better. Tell Brutus to check in with you before acting up." Christian smirked. "Ah, before I forget, her highness Rebecca Von Lahnstein told me to give you her love."

"How is she?" Olli asked.

"As self-absorbed as ever. She weaseled out of seeing you and then kissed me out of the blue." Christian said. "She gets stranger and stranger every day."

"The last time I spoke to her on the phone she was having a pretty tough time. Maybe she just needed a friendly kiss." Olli said. Christian snorted; there was nothing friendly about that kiss. "But instead of talking about Rebecca, why don't we talk about what's for dinner?"

Christian led Olli to the table, and made sure that Olli had everything he could think to offer before he sat down. Olli was almost back to his old self tonight. He was smiling, and quite energetic, and frisky. He was everything Christian missed and wanted him to achieve again. Christian couldn't imagine how he'd managed to live four months without Olli. It seemed like an eternity. But he promised himself that he wouldn't focus on the past, only the now.

That night they made love for the first time in a while. Sex between them wasn't at all scarce, but when Olli was feeling particularly terrible Christian was just as content to hold him (if the touch wasn't painful) as they lied there. Sometimes that's just what Christian preferred.

But tonight Christian simply focused on trying to please Olli as much as he could, and take time out to enjoy the touch of his skin, the taste on his lips and flesh, and the light in his beautiful eyes as they caught the moon outside. Their hands explored and held as much of each other as they could, and Christian never let Olli go more than a few inches away from him. These moments were among the things in life that Christian lived for. To be one with Olli was like the feeling of a first kiss, or saying 'I love you' for the first time; slightly frightening to open yourself up to such a raw layer, but worth it as Olli did the same.

As Christian held Olli in the afterglow, and kept his fingers interlaced with his lover's hand, he continued to place gentle kissed down Olli's neck and shoulders.

"I love you." Christian whispered.

"I know, you've told me about a dozen times today." Olli grinned as he rolled over and stared into Christian's blue eyes in wonder.

"It's hard not to." Christian admitted. "I just want to make sure that you know every moment of every day. I never want you to doubt that."

"I never will." Olli said. "Is something on your mind? You've been sort of distant tonight."

"Distant?" Christian asked. "Olli, I don't see how distant I could have been during the last few hours in this bed." He laughed. "It's just a conversation Rebecca and I had today. It's nothing important, I just need to shake it out of my head."

"I can help with that," Olli smirked as he closed the space between them with a kiss, laying Christian on his back and resting against him.

"Olli, there's something I want to talk to you about." Christian said.

"I'm obviously quite busy at the moment, I don't think I've got the time." Olli said sarcastically. "What is it?"

"It's about a conversation we had a while ago, something you asked me." Christian said. Olli stared back into his eyes expectantly. "You mentioned spending the rest of our lives together. It goes without saying, but I want to spend every moment of my life with you. And I want to ask you this time"

"Are you saying what I think you're saying?" Olli asked curiously.

Christian reached over the side of the bed and into his jean pocket and faced Olli with a box in hand. "Only if you plan on taking me seriously."

Olli sat up quickly with a blank slate expression. Christian had no idea what was going on behind those eyes of his, and he wished that he could guess because he was beginning to feel a bit worried at the way Olli was staring back at him. What if he'd changed his mind on marriage and just hadn't told Christian?

"I've had this for a while, and it's taken me until now to build up the courage, so just bear with me." He said as he rolled up onto his knees, facing Olli. "Oliver Sabel, I promise to devote the rest of my existence to your happiness if you'll let me. And the good thing about this proposal is that both of us have already done everything we can to chase the other away and we're still here. Will you marry me?"

"Of course!" Olli shouted giddily with a smile. Before Christian could even open the jewelry box, Olli had his arms wrapped around him tightly and his lips against Christian's. Christian didn't bother worrying or complaining, he simply laid Olli back down and savored this moment for all the flavor it was worth.

The next morning Olli was on the phone calling everyone in his phonebook with the news of his engagement while Christian sat back and watched with a smile. And as Christian went to Königsbrunn to work that week, everyone made sure to take time out of their schedule to congratulate him. Everyone but Rebecca, whom he hadn't seen for a few days. She was always too busy, but now she was just avoiding him.

Even though snow had already moved into the year, and the woods were frosted over, Christian's life was better than ever. Gazing out across the land, Christian wondered if Olli would ever want a house on the countryside, where Christian could raise horses, but where Olli would be close enough to his business and friends. He wondered if Olli would ever want children of their own, or to adopt and provide a good home for a few orphans?

Christian could see it now, walking his horses while the children ran and played with Olli in the snow. They would have built a life together for years, and they would have plenty more to go because their family needed the both of them together. And even when the children were grown and left home, and Olli was a little older, a little greyer, and a little wiser, Christian knew that he'd still be the biggest dreamer in the world, and he would never change that about Olli.

It was such a beautiful vision that is almost seemed real enough to touch.

But one chilly afternoon while Christian was cleaning out the stables he received the inevitable phone call he'd been praying against. Andi called to tell him that Olli's health had taken a drastic slip, and he was in the hospital.

Christian asked the stable manager if he could leave early, and Justus understood completely when he told him the situation. Christian was at the hospital as quickly as he could humanly get there, and waited with Andi on any news of Olli's condition.

"I came back to the apartment and he wouldn't wake up." Andi explained. Helena was there to console him as he stressed over Olli. "He was breathing, but he wouldn't wake up."

And so for the next five hours they spent their time waiting for news, but nothing came. Christian chose to call Gregor and Luise since he didn't want to keep them in the dark in this dire hour. Gregor offered to come by immediately, but Christian assured him that it wasn't necessary. So Gregor simply made him promise to keep him updated.

Finally there was news.

"His body has entered a stress-induced coma." The doctor said. "Basically his liver has finally failed completely, and his brain has turned off its motor signals to keep his pain to a minimum." The woman told them.

"What does that mean?" Christian asked.

"It means that his mind is preparing to die before infection sets on the dead liver. His organs will shut down, one by one, and he will die." She said. "He will be unconscious for the entire system shut down, Mr. Mann, he'll feel no pain at all."

"Are you saying that this is the last time that I'll be able to talk to him?" Christian asked for clarity. The doctor nodded regrettably and told them that they could go and see him now.

Seeing Olli like this, he seemed dead already. He was lying there, eyes shut and body still, and Christian tried to hold himself together, but seeing Andi and Helena break down and cry, Christian's eyes began to water and it wasn't long before the dam broke and his emotions poured forward.

Andi and Helena left Christian alone with him for a while. Christian held his hand and stared at Olli's ring for a while.

One of the few pleasures in life Christian had anticipated was being able to stand before the world and commit himself to Olli. Before friends and family, and even strangers who happened by their wedding, Christian wanted to be able to declare his undying and undyeilding love to Oliver Sabel for the universe to witness.

But he'd asked him too late. He was always too late when it came to the things that mattered most in his life. He shouldn't have waited so long to ask Olli. Now he wouldn't get the opportunity.

Christian called Gregor and Luise and explained the situation, and then tired calling Rebecca, but she didn't answer. Helena said that she hadn't seen Rebecca for days, so she had no idea what her sister was up to.

He really didn't know what to say to Olli. Would it really matter? If his mind had shut down then he wouldn't hear anything he had to say. But in case he could, Christian decided to suck up his pride and say farewell, no matter how ridiculous it felt.

"Hey, Olli," he said. He would barely get through the without choking up and nearly blocking his windpipe; how would he get through the rest if he carried on like this? He wiped his eyes, cleared his throat, and held Olli's hand tightly.

"I really don't know what to say. In my head I always have these speeches that I have prepared in case this happened. Now I can't remember any of them." Christian said. "I guess it's for the best… it wouldn't really be from the heart if it was rehearsed, would it? But it's hard to speak from the heart when it's really the last time, you know?

"Without you, I'm alone. And every day I've stared up at the cracks in the ceiling while you're sleeping next to me, and I think about how unfair it all is. So how can I find any words worth saying at this point? Nothing I say will ever be good enough to tell you good bye, because I'm not ready to tell you good bye." Christian said, hoping that Olli would just wake up right there and say something.

"We still have too much to do together. We still have years to live, and love, and it's all suddenly being taken away. So how can any words express how unreasonable this is?" Christian asked desperately. "Without someone to blame, how can I justify this? I'm so lost without you, I just need you to give me an answer. Olli, please, wake up."

But there was no stir, no movement at all. Olli was as far away as the sun. Christian could do nothing. Without Olli, he was nothing. No, he still had value, Rebecca taught him that. But it would be hard to see it without Olli there to let him know. He held his cold hand, waiting for some sign of change, but it never came.

When Gregor arrived, he immediately took Christian into his arms and tried to comfort him. But just like Christian, he could offer no word of value that would change anything. There was no atonement for this heinous crime, for there was no criminal to accuse. There was no one to punish.

The doctor soon said that his kidneys were shutting down, and the rest of the body would follow through soon enough. She tried to tell them that they had done all that they could, but Christian insisted on staying until the very end. Until Olli's last breath left his lips. Oliver deserved at least that much from Christian, and Christian would deliver.

Olli would not die alone.

An hour later, his breathing grew shallow. Gregor said that he would stay until the end as well, and although Helena had to leave, Andi stayed behind as well.

They would stay there for Olli. Somehow Christian knew that Olli would sense them there, he knew that Olli would know that they were with him right then and there. Even if he couldn't feel Christian's hand in his, he would know Christian was here.

Suddenly there was a rush of movement, and three nurses rushed into the room.

"Quick, get him started on Kidney Dialysis." Olli's doctor instructed them. They unhooked the heart monitor and took the tabs off of his fingers.

"What's going on?" Christian asked. "Where are you taking him? He's not gone yet!"

"Mr. Mann, a word." The doctor said as he was about to start lobbing heads. He looked around at the nurses semi-apologetically, and walked with the doctor outside into the hallway. Christian wiped his eyes and sniffled.

"What's going on?" he demanded.

"We have a blood match for a donor." The doctor said. "If we can get him on dialysis and remove his diseased liver we might be able to save him, but we have to work quickly."

"What?" Christian asked, dumbfounded.

"It just came in, a suicide brought into the morgue this morning." She said. "The organs were preserved as the body was packed in snow and discovered by hikers. We can still use the liver and hope for the best."

"And that will work?" Christian asked.

"It's not a guarantee, and there's no telling if his mind will jump start after this, but it's the only shot he has at surviving." She told him. "All we can do is try and get his body working before anything else shuts down, and hope to get his system in working order."

Christian immediately stepped out of everyone's way and let them get to work. If there was a chance that Olli could be saved in his dying hour, Christian would be the last person in the world to stop them. Andi and Gregor stared at Christian once he re-entered the room and stepped aside as they moved Olli's bed.

"What the hell are they doing?" Andi asked.

"They finally have a donor." Christian said, laughing. "It took this long, and only at the last minute, but they finally have a donor."

"Are you serious?" Gregor asked, and Christian confirmed his questions. Gregor plopped down in a chair with a sigh. "I can't handle these kinds of stresses anymore." He said.

"Getting too old? Wearing you down?" Christian mocked. Gregor's sneer only made him laugh a bit more. Christian knew that Olli would pull through this, he always knew. Christian immediately called Rebecca's phone again, but no answer. He was beginning to get a little aggravated with her selfish 'I can't see him because I'm afraid' diatribe.

Andi said that he had to leave as he had to work in six hours. Gregor was also running on a tight schedule tomorrow, and his day started a bit earlier, so he had to bow out of the picture, which Christian completely understood. Christian was urged by the staff to go home as well, but he still refused. His body may have been exhausted, but he wasn't leaving until Olli spoke to him. So one of the nurses provided him with a cot in an empty room to sleep, and as hard as Christian tried to fight it, he couldn't help but fall asleep.

Sleeping without Olli beside him was a quick reminder of his recent life without him. Cold, and lonely, without the hope of a dream. But it wasn't long until the nurse came to let him know that Olli was out of surgery and his body was doing fine enough on its own. When asked if he was awake, if his mind had come out of its self-built crypt of a coma, the nurse said that only time could tell.

When Christian was allowed to see Olli in the dark early hours of the morning, nothing had changed since he had left. Olli was still unresponsive to anything he said. He talked to him for a while, simply saying anything that came to mind. But most importantly he reminded Olli that they had a wedding to plan, so he had to wake up soon enough.

Christian went home for a quick shower and a change of clothes to go to Königsbrunn, but not to work. Christian was going to request a personal day for Olli's sake, he was sure that Justus would understand. He spent the day simply talking to Olli. Christian had heard that comatose patients can sometimes hear the voices of their loved ones, and it keeps them grounded.

Over the next week, when Christian got off of work he would head straight to the hospital so that he could talk to Olli and let him know that he was loved. As long as he brought love to Olli every day, he knew that everything would be just fine. And when Christian ran out of things to talk about, he started reading to Olli. He started with magazines lying around until he brought one of his favorites, The Pocket Watch, the first of a great series. It was a fantasy, so he thought Olli might like it.

Upon walking into Königsbrunn bright and early on Monday morning, Christian saw someone he was not expecting.

"Andi?" Christian furrowed his brows when Andi looked up at him. "What are you doing here? Olli's at the hospital if you want to see how he's doing for yourself. The surgery went fine, now we've just got to wait for him to wake up."

"That's good news," Andi said. "But that's not why I'm here." He said.

"Then why else would you be here?" Christian asked.

"Helena, she called me about an hour ago and gave me some… shocking news." Andi said. They walked together into the foyer and out of the cold. "Rebecca's been missing."

"Missing?" Christian asked. He thought back on the last time he'd seen her, she was just fine. Then after that, she just started ignoring his calls. "Was she kidnapped?"

"No, they found her." Andi said. "She's dead."

"What?" Christian asked.

"She hanged herself in the woods. And when the rope gave away, the snow storm rolled in and covered up most of her body, but some people found her near a trail. She didn't have any ID on her so she'd been sitting in the morgue for the last week, but no one claimed her. They found some receipts in her coat pockets and reversed the transactions to identify her, and then they notified the family late last night.

"Helena called me this morning in shambles." Andi said.

"Scheisse," Christian sighed. Suddenly everything Rebecca'd said made sense to him. Ask Olli not to be angry with me. She'd been planning it the whole time, and now Christian realized that he was the one who probably talked her into it. Even if the person you loved was with someone else, would you give up everything you had to make him happy? Christian thought that they had cleared up Rebecca's infatuation with him long ago.

He felt sick, like a murderer. Why would she kill herself? She said that she had problems, but that was no reason to go and throw her life away.

A few days later they held a funeral, though there was nothing to bury since she'd been cremated. Christian gave his condolences to Helena, Sebastian & Lydia, and Tristan. After making it back to the hospital in his black garbs, Christian made a call to Constantin and Judith to add his own condolences, and explain Olli's situation to them.

And soon, the drama died down. Days turned to weeks, and weeks quickly became two months as Christian's life routine of working and reading to Olli began wearing him thin. Every day it was the same respone; 'He is healthy, and there's no trace left of his cancer, but there's still no response in his brain.'

Christian read through the winter, and Charlie came by quite frequently to see him. She held veto power on whether or not to stop Olli's life support, and on a few occasions the staff tried to convince her that in this state the chances of him waking up were slim to none. But Christian was there to talk her down when they'd gotten her riled up and convince her that they just had to wait a little longer.

But as spring rolled in, and Christian had run out of anything interesting to read, he took a good long hard look into Olli's blank face and had to wonder.

What would Olli want?

Oliver had never really mentioned what he would want in this situation. Would he really want Christian to keep trying to fight off everyone else's opinion of letting him die? Would he want to be kept a vegetable for the slim chance that he might open his eyes? Or would he want to die a dignified death?

Christian knelt beside the bed and took Olli's hand into his own, and looked at the ring as it glinted in the sunlight.

"Olli," Christian said. He stroked his face, and swept his hair out of his face. It'd grown quite a bit since he had been here. "Olli, love, tell me what you want. Everyone else thinks that you should die peacefully, and I want you to live, but I don't know if that's what you want.

"I want to do right by you, and I need to know what the right thing is." Christian begged. "Just give me some sort of sign, anything. Let me know that you hear me, let me know your touch. Let me know that you love me, and that will be enough, I swear it will be enough." Christian said.

And Olli's hand was gripping his hand. Christian couldn't believe it when he saw his fingers move and clench his fist, he almost didn't believe it had happened but Olli's fingers were still holding his.

"You can hear me, can't you?" he said with tears of incontestable ecstasy. He kissed Olli and went to get his doctor. And where there was no sign of brain activity last week, or the week before, Olli's mind was glowing in a few spots on the scan sheet. Christian didn't know what each region of the brain controlled, and what certain areas of the scan meant.

What he did know was that he was doing right by Olli, just like he'd asked.

Day by day, Christian kept talking to Olli and telling him how much he meant to him. He shared everything he could with Olli now he knew that he could hear him. He told him of his dream of having a house together after they were married, and raising horses on his own. He told him about adopting children, and giving Olli everything he deserved, and more. He told Olli about Rebecca's suicide, and how although it didn't make sense in the slightest to know that she did care about him.

_"Lucius wanted to tell Imogen why he could be nothing more than friend to her, but he didn't think that it would help. To love her would end in disaster, for they were too close to the law to remain undetected, and once discovered it would be the end of the world they had created together._

_So why, then, go through the motions and palsy the heart of all longings from the staggering beatings of the world's objections to a love that, in their own natural heart, they should embrace and welcome? For all their laws and punishments, how richer or poorer are they in security and morale for denying two people, be them human, vampire, wraith or witch, from loving one another?_

_To love her would be a crime that Lucius would commit willingly, but he refused to take Imogen down with him, and that was what she couldn't understand._

"Well, that's the end of that chapter," Christian said. And when he looked up into Olli's long, thin face, he was stunned to see two beautiful hazel-green eyes staring back at him in the warm afternoon sun. "Mein gott."

"Hello, schatz." Olli smiled. His voice was hoarse, and his throat was dry, but it was by far the most beautiful sound he'd heard in a long time.

"I have so much to tell you." Christian smiled back. And he sat there holding Olli's hand, treasuring the grip he felt in return. Though some endings had come, and some were looming on the horizon, their ending was still a long, long distance into the future, decades and decades to go until they would stare it down the throat as fighters. Nothing else would ever come between them again – nothing could possibly come between them. All the jealousy and views between them couldn't outshine the consequences, nor would they allow it. For Christian and Olli had learned the true measure of forgiveness, and what happens when a stubborn attitude gets out of control.

Everyone else could wait a little longer for the good news because this moment was for Christian and Olli alone.

†~The End~†

AN: I didn't want to tac any cheap personal marketing ploys onto this story, but I'm sort of in a spot where I'm going nowhere and I need some help. What I need are reviews on for my first book _The Pocket Watch_ so that I can draw some attention to it. The second book, _The White Knight_ comes out June 15th so I'm hoping that will also help.

If you'd like to read a free eBook copy of The Pocket Watch in any format (such as PDF, .mobi for Kindle, LRF for Sony ebook reader, etc...) please email me at ronnelldporter(at)yahoo(dot)com and I'll send you on so long as you promise to leave a review on Amazon. I sort of (like _really_) need them. For more information on The Pocket Watch, visit the Amazon page here: amazon(dot)com/Trinity-Saga-Pocket-Watch-ebook/dp/B002TG4PF4

Thanks for reading this story, and I hope to hear from people!


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